A Pandemic of Loneliness

How do you deal with being lonely? Perhaps you’re addicted to something, like I discussed a couple of weeks ago. It’s definitely easier to find distractions than it is to sit with our thoughts. The social distancing certainly seems to be causing emotional distancing.

I recently read a headline that said we’re experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. I figured it would be quite important to bring the topic up, considering how difficult this can often be to navigate. Why is human connection so important and why are we struggling with it?

We have more people on the planet than ever before, yet we feel more disconnected (despite how virtually connected we are) than ever as well. Let’s unwrap what causes us to feel lonely, how social media affects our ability to connect, the power of vulnerability and ways to move forward.

PS: Being comfortable alone and feeling lonely are completely different things.

What causes loneliness?

The definition of loneliness is essentially the emotional state when we feel or perceive ourselves to be isolated from other people. It can be painful, stressful and induce symptoms of depression.

Here are some possible causes of loneliness that I found incredibly insightful:

• Emotional isolation (EQ)
• Intellectual isolation (IQ)
• Affluence (how wealthy you are)
• Living situation
• Social anxiety

I’ve obtained the list above from the link below. Feel free to refer to it for more information.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25481/unexpected-causes-of-loneliness-what-to-do-about-them.html

So the interesting thing that I’ve gathered is that there are certain aspects of our nature that incline us towards being on our own. Our emotional intelligence enables us to gain awareness, but it also means we are likely to stop surrounding ourselves with people who we’ve connected to through a common brokenness. The quote below describes it incredibly well.

“The more you heal, the less you’ll connect with people with whom you once shared a common level of woundedness.”

People who are incredibly intelligent in a specific way (a high IQ for example), may find it difficult to spend time with less intelligent people. There is often a demand for stimulating conversations and that may not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Another interesting factor is your affluence / how much wealth you have. It can be intimidating and there can be misconceptions that people think you’re arrogant or better than them. This is also an isolating factor. Your living situation and neighbourhood can also play a role in your inability to connect with people and socialize. Lastly, a prominent factor can be social anxiety or fearing rejection. These cause us to overthink and can discourage us from seeking genuine human connection. Let’s see how social media plays a role in all this.

The impact of social media

I’ve already debated how social media affects our daily lives; both from a positive and negative lens. This time, I’d like to relate it back to how it impacts our loneliness. The problem with being able to zoom into people’s lives so regularly, is that it creates a sense of FOMO.

The feeling occurs subconsciously. You see other people enjoying themselves, going out, seemingly having the time of their life; while you’re at home, alone, bored, staring at your phone in your underwear. This obviously creates a certain yearning. We also crave to be out and about, having coffee with mates or going on adventures.

When we’re alone with our thoughts and don’t have specific Friday night plans, we often distract ourselves on social media. We just need to be aware of the impact that has on our psyche and the way it may negatively affect us; inducing a certain sense of loneliness.

https://justimagine.azureedge.net/wp-media/2018/12/Unengineering-loneliness-JI.jpg

The solution (in my opinion) is to reach out to people instead of watching what they’re doing. Send messages to those you haven’t spoken to in a while. Start conversations with people you find interesting. Make a plan to group video call your friends.

It’s okay to feel a little needy sometimes. It’s okay to want to connect. It’s okay to reach out. It’s okay to be vulnerable.

The power of vulnerability

The concept of vulnerability ties into our inherent fear of rejection. We often think that showing our true colours to people will result in them rejecting us for who we really are. This may in fact have been proved to us when we were younger.

The truth of the matter is, when we’re willing to share our feelings, emotions and thoughts with people, despite how outrageous they may seem, it can result in a more genuine form of connection.

We tend to think that we’re all extremely different. However, we ultimately share a similar array of emotions. We’ve all been hurt, lonely, excited, nervous, stressed, shy, scared and joyful. If we focus more on how similar we truly are, it allows us to share those experiences with others.

Do you want to know why vulnerability is effective? Because it allows us to establish trust. The expectation is that you’ll be speaking to me about aspects of your life that you wouldn’t want me to take advantage of, mock, share with others, or disregard. Once I see how much you can trust me with your thoughts, it allows me to feel comfortable enough to share my experiences with you. This enhances empathy, genuine human connection and makes us feel less isolated. The more we can relate to others and be vulnerable, the less likely we are to feel lonely.

How to deal with the feeling of loneliness

What should we do about feelings lonely then? It’s easy to start watching TV, scroll social media or just read something to keep our minds occupied. But that’s not dealing with the actual feeling, it’s just pushing it further back in the closet. What we need is acceptance.

Arguably the most difficult aspect of all; learning how to accept our feelings for what they truly are. When we accept how we feel, it’s a way of making peace with our mind and the world around us. Acceptance means that we don’t resist what comes up. We don’t force away what’s yearning to be heard. We don’t distract ourselves from the truth. Only once we accept, can we then take action and move forward. It also means that we don’t judge ourselves. We are only short-lived human beings after all.

After acceptance, we can start to work on improving that internal condition. We can write about it, reach out to people, speak our minds, lean into our hearts and share vulnerabilities. We can find activities that fulfil us. Serve others more. Be kinder. Be more caring, patient and loving to the world.

The more you give, the more you get. Start demanding less, and start giving more. And when it comes to receiving, don’t deny yourself that either.

Don’t allow social distancing to create emotional distancing. If you’re reading this rn, please know that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are cared for. You are worth it. Reach out to me if you need to. Reach out to other people you haven’t to in a while. It’s going to be okay. You got this.

Social media through a positive lens

Do you also really love sharing memes? Have you found it easy to virtually communicate with family and friends recently? Why do we enjoy posting pics of us travelling?

How often do we focus on the benefits that we derive from social media? Okay maybe a few of you addicts have those ready for argument’s sake, but I mean it from a place of inspiration, guidance and service.

I’ve been asked to write an alternative view to my older post about social media. I’ll discuss how we’re able to stay connected, being a source of inspiration, finding motivation, using creative outlets, learning to surf the web and understanding two sides of a story.

Let’s dive into some healthy perspectives and learn how to face the digital tsunami we’re inevitably experiencing.

Staying connected

The lock down has shown us what a monumental resource technology has been, especially connecting through social media. We’re able to stay in touch with our friends and family from all over the world, doing so now more than ever before.

Video calling friends and family can be incredibly healing, especially when you can’t travel to see them. I think we have a lot to be grateful for, especially the fact that we’re not dealing with the 1918 pandemic. Imagine if the only way to communicate with the rest of the world was through pigeons?

Shutterstock

I do hope that your communication extends further than liking and commenting on posts, as that isn’t really ‘connecting’.

Being a source of inspiration

We have an incredible ability to influence people on social media. Why not utilize this to help other people? If you ever feel like you’d want to serve a cause greater than yourself, it’s now easier than ever before to do just that.

Social media enables us to post about aspects of our lives that could benefit other people. Sharing your exercise regime, your daily habits, the recipes for your Insta-worthy food, your studying routine, your poetry, your philosophy, how you deal with your mental health and so much more, can all greatly encourage people.

There are various ways for us to make the most of our time spent on social media, we just have to be conscious of the energy and content we upload / expose ourselves to.

So long as we’re intentional about why we do what we do, we can all contribute positively.

Creative outlet

As mentioned above regarding sources of inspiration, social media can be used as a creative outlet. It allows people to make a living off sharing their art and what truly matters to them. Remember that art isn’t restricted to a specific genre like drawing. It’s about finding a way to express yourself and allowing people to connect with you in a unique way.

This has also enabled us to work from home and keep going with ‘business as usual’. Being in lock-down has been an incredible source of creativity for many people, as we’ve finally made time to focus more on what matters.

It has also enabled people to start thinking genuinely about what they want to achieve in their life. We’re not limited to 9-5 jobs in an office desk anymore. We have the world at our very fingertips.

Finding motivation

When things get overwhelming and difficult, we can search for ways to stay motivated. There are so many people who upload content specifically to encourage people, to keep them going, to help them stay on track. If you’re ever feeling a little overwhelmed, learn about how others deal with that same feeling.

Sharing our stories and accomplishments can allow us to be a source of motivation to others. When you see other people overcoming hurdles, it empowers you to keep trying. When you see that you’re not alone in this, it helps you feel related to.

This all depends on how well you’re able to work the algorithms and keep your feed in check. We need to learn about exposing ourselves to relevant content.

Learning how to surf the internet

For us to adequately deal with waves of change, we need to learn how to surf. The internet is just a bunch of web-pages that represent gnarly waves. We have to make sure we tread the waters carefully, by studying and actively seeking ways to understand it.

Here’s a great YouTube series to help you with that:

There’s a lot of chaos and misinformation amongst the memes and selfies. We need to become aware of how fake news also tends to go viral; spreading corruption in a different form.

We need to find a balance. The very same resources that we use to empower ourselves, can be used against us. The quality of our relationships, our attention span, the subconscious and even childhood development are all being heavily influenced by the presence of social media and technology.

Two sides of a story

How often have you found yourself defending a story after hearing only 1 side of it? You trust that person or source, therefore, believe them entirely without doing your own research.

We need to understand that social media, like all media platforms, feed off engagement. When people post offensive or contradictory statements, it gains traction and starts trending. We all hop on the bandwagon and join in, further fueling engagement.

So my point here is that we’re barely able to hear two sides of a story IRL, imagine how much tougher it is on social media? We just need to be intentional and a little more conscious of how we’re allowing the technology to seep into every aspect of our lives.

A wise man once said: “Stay woke.”

Regardless of what your stance is, you need to become adept at navigating digital information.

We can find resources to stay motivated and use ourselves to inspire others. We can unleash our creativity in incredible ways and share it with the world around us. There’s so much that we have to be thankful for, especially how we’re able to stay connected using social media.

It’s just as important to stay aware of the influence social media has on us. We need to put in a little effort to understand the navigation, so that we don’t drown in information. There’s much more to it than the click-bait or headline.

I’d like to thank you for your time and support, it always means a great deal to me. We’re all in this together, so we should always share whatever beneficial knowledge we have. I’m going to end this by repeating the quote I used in my previous post on social media.

“We don’t have a choice on whether we do social media, the question is how well we do it.”

Erik Qualman

The Journey VI

Little by little, a little becomes a lot. I had no idea that I’d be reaching 50 posts so soon. I started off back in 2014, just before I finished high-school. Let’s talk a little about how we got to this point, 6 years later.

As with everything in life, it started off as an experiment. There’s no better way to learn than from actually trying, so I attempted to use this space as a virtual journal. In this post, I’ll run you through the timeline of how things developed.

2014-2015

In 2014-2015, I was a little obsessed with my online presence. I took a lot of pride in the follower-following ratio, the aesthetic of my IG feed, twitter cliques and getting enough likes.

I was showcasing the best moments of my life, as social media often lures us to do. I’d say that I wasn’t mature enough to understand how to virtually socialize. I started this blog for the sake of starting a blog, coming from an egotistical place. My intentions were not aligned with my goals.

I carried on blogging every other month, about the most random aspects of my life. In 2016, it kind of all just stopped. When you’re inconsistent and your why isn’t clear, the motivation tends to dissipate.

2016-2017

Throughout 2016-2017, I went through quite a bit of emotional turbulence. I didn’t really know how to deal with my own insecurities or how to love myself. Those were key ingredients for low self-esteem. I’ve mentioned this before, but at the end of 2017, I took a social media sabbatical. (You can read more about it by clicking on the hyper-link)

That’s when things really started to change.

You don’t truly realize how toxic social media can be, until you step out of it. I had way more time than I could’ve previously imagined. I also had a lot of emotional energy that I needed to utilize.

2018

At the beginning of 2018, I started journalling, meditating and reading! It started off in that specific order. Having a journal completely changed the way I took charge of my life. My thoughts and habits became a lot clearer to me. And as I’ve said before:
Better awareness – Better choices – Better results.

That’s exactly what started to happen. With my self-awareness slowly increasing, I started making much better choices that were aligned with my values. This ultimately led to better results.

I started off being a little skeptical with regards to meditation, especially from an Islamic point of view. But through constantly being grateful and remembering God, I opened the space for myself to sit in presence every morning. It’s all about intention, don’t forget that.

At the beginning, I was barely able to focus on my breath for 2 minutes at a time. So I had to use guided meditations for a while, until that increased to 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, then 15 minutes. After that, I was able to sit with my own thoughts and just focus on my breath without needing a ‘guide’.

I used to read a lot when I was a child, thanks to my mother. Growing up in Saudi Arabia however, changed that quite a bit. Throughout middle school and high school, my focus shifted entirely to sports and gaming. I had no interest in reading anything, be that academic or even fiction.

After my mindfulness practice and journalling routine, I realized that I had a lot more to learn. Not only about those particular habits, but about the world in general. That led me to reading ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle.

It took me a few months to read that book, but once I actually completed it, my identity started to change. I was now a reader. Someone who could actually commit to finishing books.

As with every other habit, the more you deliberately practice, the better you get. I started reading books a little bit faster and started learning more about how to retain the information I was learning.

2019

From finishing 3-4 books in 2018, I started finishing 1 book every month in the beginning of 2019. I had to make a conscious effort to achieve that goal. It got even better towards the end of the year, where I started finishing around 2 books a month. A few months after that and I now objectively read at least 4 books a month.

To bring us back to how I started blogging more seriously, I had an urge to share the knowledge I was gaining from all those books and the few habits I was forming. I tried blogging again, with consistency and intention. It started with the The Journey. I (Click the hyper-link to read my first post in 2018)

“The teacher learns the most.”

2019 was the year a lot of my habits fell into place. Everything that I had attempted to do over the previous year was now becoming part of my identity. My intentions were finally aligned with my goals and values.

2020

“First you create your habits, then your habits create you.”

I became passionate about helping other people and serving the world around me. Aspire To Inspire became the motto. To help each and every one of us unleash our full potential and spread the knowledge we gain.

The objective now is to publish at least 2 blog posts per month. I’m also trying to get more people involved in the journey with me, to expand and grow.

Life is temporary. We’re all going to die eventually. Keep that fact in mind and allow it to vitalize your every day. Starting small and staying consistent will always help you sustain your habits. This will then help you become the person you wish to be.

Make it obvious. Make it attractive. Make it easy. Make it satisfying. Don’t only focus on what you need to get done, focus more on who you need to be.

A friend of mine recently told me something really inspiring: “The only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.”

I’d love to know more about the aspects that have helped you develop into the person you are today. Please feel free to share your story or comment your views on mine in the section below.

Mindful Monday #2

There seems to be a lot going on in the world right now. In light of all the uncertainty, let’s remember to be mindful. In this session of Mindful Monday, I’ll talk about emotional awareness, your responsibility, exposure to information and gratitude.

I’d like to share an intriguing thought I had over the weekend. The planet is healing. Yes, the situation we’re currently in is daunting and frightening. However, there are always blessings hiding within the curses. Greenhouse gas emissions, air pollution and waste dumping have all been significantly reduced.

Hmm, also randomly started thinking about The Great Depression and the 1918 flu. Quite a circular process.

We should take some time to reflect, to learn, to grow and to empathize with the world around us. Be wary of toxic productivity, understand your boundaries and focus on your blessings. Let’s relate this to Covid-19.

Emotional awareness

There’s a lot of panic, anxiety and stress amidst the chaos that’s unfolding. We need to be aware of how our emotions are unfolding. It’s critical to stay level-headed and find ‘healthy’ coping mechanisms with our circumstances.

Don’t fall prey to other people panicking. Don’t spread misinformation or be a reason for other people to panic. Watch out for fake news. Don’t be guided by fear. Stay aware of your emotional state and accept it.

It’s okay to feel worried. It’s okay to feel nervous. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Try to be nonjudgmental towards yourself and those around you. The more you’re able to understand what you’re going through, the better equipped you’ll be to help others.

Your responsibility

As it stands, there is no cure for the pandemic. All we can do is try to reduce its impact. That means we need to take responsibility for our hygiene, social distancing and reducing stigma.

Social distancing is one of the most effective ways of containing a pandemic. By reducing the amount of people you’re exposed to, you decrease your chances of being affected or affecting others. It’s critical to maintain high levels of sanitation and hygiene at this point, to ensure you eliminate any sources of contamination.

Stigma always seems to be the elephant in the room. We all know it exists, yet we tend to ignore it. It’s absolutely crucial that we remain supportive and kind to everyone, especially to those who are infected or prone to being sick.

Start taking this seriously and act now. Don’t wait until it’s too late.

Here’s a link to an incredible article interpreting the data and talking about your role in helping to deal with the covid-19 outbreak: https://medium.com/@tomaspueyo/coronavirus-act-today-or-people-will-die-f4d3d9cd99ca

Exposure to information

We’re living in a hyper-connected age where we’re exposed to more information in 24 hours, than people did in their entire lives around 25 years ago.

Keeping that in mind, we need to be conscious of the news we expose ourselves to. We might not immediately realize it, but after scrolling and reading a few articles our entire mood can change.

Ask yourself how much information you really need to move forward with this. We need to constantly stay up-to date, but within reasonable boundaries. Stay mindful of what your subconscious is absorbing, there’s always a lot to be thankful for.

Gratitude

The best way to deal with negativity is to focus on what is going well. It’s not always easy to shift into that frame of mind, but once you do, nothing can pull you down.

Most of us still have eyes to see, a mind to comprehend with, an eagerness to learn, a loving family, wonderful friends, food to eat and a place to stay.

Think about that more. Show your love and affection to your friends and family. (Virtually of course) Be thankful and be a source of positivity to the world around you.

It’s not easy, I know. We’ll get through this. We’ll look back at how insane things were and smile, knowing we were tough enough to survive. We’ll talk about this to our children and grandchildren one day.

Don’t lose hope. Stay mindful of what’s going on within you. Take in deep breaths and smile. Now is all you have, make the most of it.

Social media

Do you also feel like we’re all turning into cyber-zombies? Does it seem like everyone spends more time on their phones than with the people around them? Why do we find so much comfort in our devices?

This is one of the most important topics that I want to discuss, especially entering a new decade. How social media is absorbing us all, causing some form of digital dementia. You’ve heard the famous saying: We’re more connected than ever before, yet we all feel lonelier than ever before.

So what is it about social media that grabs our attention? And what can we do in light of this hyper-normalization?

I’m going to start by talking about my own experiences, the psychology behind social media and how to move forward.

My experiences

I spent 2018 on a social media sabbatical: deleting Instagram, Twitter, Snap Chat & Facebook. I returned in 2019, with a lot more awareness and discipline.

It’s often really hard to imagine giving social media up. Our first defensive instinct: It’s how I stay in touch with my friends/family! Can you imagine your life without all the cyber distractions?

You’d have way more free time than you’d be willing to believe. Not only that, you’ll be left with your thoughts for several moments at a time; how daunting. This is not me trying to convince you to get rid of all your social media, but just to share the lessons I’ve learnt on how we can use it more effectively.

The reason I decided to leave social media for a year was because of my break-up. In December 2017, I went through a very turbulent emotional phase. I was trying to deal with ‘heartbreak’.

I realized that what made it so difficult for me to get over my ex, was how easy it was to see her online presence. It left me in a strange mode. Constantly stalking, comparing, judging and feeling unworthy.

When I first got off social media, it felt alien. I had no idea what to do. No more worrying about my feed, posting on my story, tweeting random thoughts or taking unnecessary selfies on snap chat.

A few days in, I realized how much free time I had. This tempted me to re-download some of the apps out of boredom. Luckily, I came across this insightful quote that helped me: “Habits cannot be erased, they can only be replaced.” Understanding that led me to start reading & meditating.

A week into the sabbatical, I realized that my attention span started rapidly improving. My brain was getting out of the “swipe swipe swipe, like, comment, swipe swipe swipe” thought process. I began focusing a lot better.

One of the most important aspects that changed: My relationships started to flourish. I started being more present with people I cared about and spent time with. I spent less time showing off snippets of my life to impress people I barely know.

That fundamentally changed the wiring in my brain, because I was becoming less dependent on the dopamine rush from getting likes and comments. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”

A massive illusion of social media is that you’re staying in touch with people. But liking, commenting and occasionally reacting to a story is not staying in touch.

It’s an artificial connection. We keep faking the same idea to ourselves until we’re convinced it’s the only way to live. But it’s not.

The psychology behind it

To ease the tension a little bit, I want you to understand a fundamental aspect of social media; the current intention behind its creation. It’s designed by scientists/psychologists/programmers who have dedicated their lives to ensure you spend as much time on the app as possible. Why?

Your attention (or time) = profit.

If you pay attention to the amount of data that’s being sold from all your searches, likes, swipes and posts, you’d be rather frightened. I’m saying this because you need to understand that your addiction is not entirely your fault.

It was created to be as absorbing and as charming as possible. Much like this world in the eye of a believer. Temporary, deceptive and full of temptations.

When you understand the way ads affect your subconscious and the way it’s abusing your mental power, you’d be more inclined to make better decisions. Remember: Better awareness -> Better choices -> Better results.

How do we move forward? 

Learn more and stay conscious of the time you spend online. We’re entering an age where it’s more comfortable to stare at your screen when you’re bored than stare out of the window. (The latter provides the mind with impeccable subconscious insight).

We feel awkward, almost alien, when we’re waiting and not constantly checking our phones. Use the time limits on the apps and respect them. Encourage those around you to minimize their social media usage and try to have technology-free gatherings.

This will contribute to your mental health and hopefully improve the loneliness epidemic that we’re currently experiencing. You don’t necessarily realize it, but you’re always comparing yourself to other people online.

Whether you choose to accept that or not is up to you, your unconscious does 95% of the work for you anyway.

I know some of this may have been a little intense and that I could’ve covered a lot more ground. But this is as brief as I could make it.

I’m not trying to force anyone to change or to get you all to abandon social media and start living in a forest (although I wish I was). But for the sake of your happiness and mental clarity, spend a little more time being present with your weird thoughts and feelings, instead of scrolling aimlessly.

Let’s try to be a little less zombie-like, a little more present, and a lot more loving. Stop worrying about taking a picture of every moment, and start living in it.

Nothing contributes to a healthy relationship as much as active listening and honest communication. That just isn’t as effective when your phone is in your hand.

We don’t have a choice on whether we DO social media, the question is how well we do it.

Erik Qualman

(A little ironic how I took pics to post on my blog, then talking about living in the moment haha).