How To Stop Overthinking in 3 Simple Steps

It’s definitely not simple, nor will it take just 3 straightforward steps. The concept of overthinking occurs in almost every individual I know (myself included). Some people experience it a lot more often than others. Some people experience it more intensely. Some people just can’t stop it.

It feels like an ingrained part of our adaptation, how we sometimes escape the present moment. Maybe we started doing it as little kids because we had frantic parents who constantly made us worried. Maybe we trusted people who betrayed us, which then caused us to start doubting ourselves. Maybe it’s a biological/hormonal imbalance, and we’re just naturally unable to sit still and let our minds relax.

Sunset in KSA (Jan, 2022)

Whatever the cause may be, overthinking is stressful, tiring, and emotionally taxing. It also affects our relationships, our ability to trust, and our self-esteem. We often brush it off and tell people to ‘just stop overthinking’. But as with many other psychological dynamics, we should treat it more like a physical behaviour/injury.

So, what can we do to stop overthinking or at least make it a little more bearable? Let’s find out.

1. Do not sit still
2. Speak about it instead of suppressing it
3. Utilize mechanisms to make sense of your thoughts

Do not sit still

From my own experience of overthinking, I found that the best solution is to move. Whether I’m thinking about my self-worth, whether I’m good enough, whether something terrible might happen, whether my trust will be betrayed, whether I’ll end up being embarrassed, or whether my loved ones are okay, sitting still just doesn’t help.

When I would stay in place and let my thoughts run rampant, I found that I would go deeper and deeper into my own rabbit hole. This would then impact more than just myself, as my mood would change and it would affect other people around me as well.

Safari trip in Kruger National Park (Jan, 2022)

I found that if I moved around physically by going for a walk, changing my location in the house, picking up something to do, focusing on my breath, or deciding to focus deeply on a different thought, it would make a difference. Focusing on my breath is also especially helpful because it’s simple and you can do it anywhere.

Additionally, slowing down my breath and focusing on the sensation of air coming in and out of my lungs, shifts my thought to the present moment and calms me down. This is because when you start getting anxious, you feel a tightness in your chest and your breath becomes shallow; making it worse.

Speak about it instead of suppressing it

Do you know what my favourite thing about praying is? Is that it’s a conversation between me and God. Speaking about your thoughts and what’s on your mind can be incredibly helpful. It can boost your relationship with your Creator, help you connect more deeply with friends, and it allows you to feel less alone with the weight of those thoughts.

When it comes to speaking about it to other people, there’s certainly a limit. You don’t want to feel like you’re burdening them with your worries or make them start stressing about you. You want to be vulnerable enough to show them that you trust them, and give them the space to hear you out and help.

Let it flow (Nov, 2021)

When it comes to praying, there’s practically no limit. You don’t have to worry about overreacting, over-sharing or TMI (too much info). You can vent knowing that you’re being heard. Knowing that there’s a plan in place. Knowing that everything happens for a reason and that:

“What’s meant for you will never miss you. What misses you was never meant for you.”

Make sense of your thoughts

This is arguably the toughest part. You’re always in battle with the emotional side of your brain and the logical side of your brain. So who tends to win the tug of war?

Making sense of your thoughts requires effort. Firstly, you have to actually be conscious of the thought and understand the root cause. A simple way to dissect it is by asking yourself ‘why?’ several times. It’s actually a framework used in businesses to understand the root cause of a problem. Here’s an example of how you can use it in your personal life though:

https://kanbanize.com/wp-content/uploads/website-images/kanban-resources/5-whys-analysis-root-cause.png

It can also be tiring doing this in your mind. I find it quite helpful to write in a journal. This helps me for a variety of reasons, including:

• I have to structure my thoughts more clearly when I write
• It allows me to see things from a different perspective
• It clears some of my mental bandwidth, as I’m letting it out
• I can notice trends in my thoughts or habits, which increases my self-awareness
• I can use that self-awareness to make better decisions, which will lead to better results

Lastly, what also helps with making sense of your thoughts is to spend time in nature. We can always be inspired by the natural world around us, especially when it comes to adapting and being resilient. Trees continue to push up to reach for the sunlight. Bees will never give up on their search for nectar. Birds always fly purposefully.

We too, can learn from nature and realize that everything happens for a reason. It’s going to be challenging at times, but that’s part of the journey. We can only go when we’re uncomfortable. Next time you feel like your thoughts are running a bit rampant, remember that it’s helping you understand something about yourself. Use it as fuel for growth. You got this.

You vs You

Welcome back to another episode of Memento Mori. Today we’re going to be talking about You vs You. What I want to focus on specifically, is how you can stop holding yourself back from moving forward in life.

I’ve been doing something interesting recently with one of my best friends, where I ask them to give me feedback on what I’m like as an individual. They were obviously quite hesitant and friendly at first, but once the ice was broken, I was surprised by what they had to say.

They identified common behaviours that I did quite often which I thought were okay, but actually made me come across as having a superiority complex. I dived deeper into it and found out that it had to do with how I always mansplain things, talk in a dominant tone, and act like a ‘know-it-all’.

Despite how difficult it was to digest initially, it made me a lot more aware of certain intellectual blindspots and helped me grow considerably. That being said, in today’s post, I’d like to talk about why we should constantly seek feedback from our friends/family members, how to digest their comments, and how to strive to continuously improve.

Constantly seek out feedback

The most obvious solution yet one of the most difficult things to do. In fact, it may even come across as being annoying sometimes. Once you get into the habit of asking for feedback, it becomes addictive. You constantly want to know where you’re falling short and how to improve. You also want to be told what you’re doing well, as the ego also needs a little petting.

The point here is that you should strive to ask people to point out areas of improvement. We’re all biased towards ourselves. We think we’re smarter, more competent, kinder, more caring, and more empathetic than we actually are. It’s easy to be blinded to our own fallibility.

Asking close friends or family members for constructive feedback can help you become a better person and also a better friend/family member. It’s a double win. Here are some probing questions that you can ask:

• In what ways am I annoying?
• How can I be of better help to you?
• What is a behaviour that you would like me to change?
• What behaviours from me do you like?
• In what ways have I been helpful?

NB: If you’re the person giving feedback, please be kind and compassionate! Don’t just point out all the other person’s flaws. Make it clear that they’re also great in certain ways as well.

Accepting your flaws

This is even harder than the previous step. It’s one thing to ask for feedback, it’s another ball game to actually accept the criticism. As I mentioned already, we don’t usually notice where we’re falling short. Once that’s pointed out, it can be quite painful to realize that we’re not as perfect as we perceive ourselves to be.

Acceptance is a humbling solution to that problem. It’s going to hurt a lot of the time, but it’s the best way to move forward. When we acknowledge and accept that we have certain limitations, we already take a step in the right direction.

Acceptance, however, doesn’t mean much if we don’t take action to improve. That being said, when we incorporate a growth mindset into the exercise, we’re able to continuously improve.

Continuously improving

After receiving feedback and accepting your shortcomings, the next step is to take action and make progress. We can do this by clearly articulating goals to strive for.

For example, if we tend to be impatient and always rush through things, an improvement goal can be to start slowing and be more present. The next time we feel like rushing someone, we should take a deep breath and acknowledge that it’s okay to sometimes wait.

That was just a high-level example. Another way of improving is to update your values according to the type of person you want to be. The same concept can apply to the previous example. We can try to incorporate ‘patience’ as one of our core values and continuously work on being calm and present when we feel the urge to rush.

https://www.principles.com/

The goal would be to identify the areas where we fall short and put a plan in action to develop. With the right mindset, we can continuously improve on all aspects of our life.

The point of this post was to show how we can move away from repeating annoying behaviours and stop holding ourselves back. We don’t often realize how our actions affect other people or even ourselves. It’s important to make a conscious effort into identifying them and move forward with those insights.

It might be tough at first and a little heartsore. But the more you do it, the more comfortable you become with yourself. Don’t be your own enemy. Keep pushing ahead. You got this.

Ego is the Enemy

It’s finally time for another book review! I haven’t summarized a book in quite some time, but I finally got some inspiration after starting a book club with my mate Jono. I’ve also been itching to share some useful knowledge that you can read up more on yourself.

The book I’ll be diving into today is called ‘Ego is the Enemy’ by Ryan Holiday. As the title suggests, it’s all about why ego is our greatest opponent and how to fight it. It was actually an eye-opener for me, as I haven’t really realized the way ego can sneak into our worldview and affect almost everything we do.

The book is segmented into 3 main sections; Aspire, Success, and Failure. Each section is comprised of multiple subsections, but I’ll only focus on a couple that resonated quite strongly with me.

The book essentially talks about the different stages that we experience in life and how ego develops in every stage. Ryan Holiday explains the concept by bringing in real-life examples from his personal journey, and by speaking through the stories of other historically famous people.

Let’s understand more about the ego and what we can do to prevent it from crippling us.

Aspire

This is the phase where we set out to achieve something. We dream big, start chasing goals and begin a new journey. Yet, we oftentimes fall short of our ambition. Ego tends to be the culprit.

Talk, Talk, Talk

How often do we find ourselves talking endlessly about all that we want to achieve in life? Our wishes, our goals, our aspirations seem so much easier when we’re just talking about them. Getting to action or making other people have the spotlight seems less likely.

Silence is a crucial element here, especially when everyone else just seems to be a constant chatterbox. My previous post on The Art of Silence fits well into this section, as it highlights the importance of being comfortable in your own quietness.

http://debate.potentspeaking.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/blah-blah-blah1.png

The point here is that talking is easy. What’s ultimately always harder is walking the talk. It goes both ways. As one of the partners at the company I currently work at always says: We need to talk the walk and walk the talk. It goes both ways, but the latter is definitely more important.

Become A Student

I think it’s quite clear why this one resonates so much with me. I’ve devoted myself to constantly trying to be a life-long learner. This means approaching life like a sponge. Absorbing as much information and knowledge that I can from people that I encounter and experiences that I face.

It’s crucial not to let ego get in the way of this. We can easily pretend like we know what’s going on or fake our way through certain phases of our life, but it prevents true learning and growth. Having a white-belt mentality at the start will enable us to rapidly develop and gain expertise.

Work, Work, Work

This point links very closely to the one on Talk, Talk, Talk, as it brings in the concept of working hard. What we often underestimate is how challenging it can be to push forward when we face setbacks. Ego often tends to come into the picture here and makes us fall into the planning fallacy. We try as best as we can to avoid doing the actual work, by spending time ‘preparing’ and trying to feel productive about it.

It’s not always going to be easy. We’re going to wish it was a straight and clear path to move forward and achieve that goal. But it’s not going to be that way. There will be challenges, whether we like it or not. The best thing we can do is embrace it and keep ourselves prepared to overcome the hurdles and become stronger.

“Every time you sit down to do work, remind yourself: I am delaying gratification by doing this. I am passing the marshmallow test. I am earning what my ambition burns for. I am making an investment in myself instead of my ego.

Success

This is the part where we’re reaping the harvest of the hard work and enjoying success, or where the summit is potentially insight. It’s when our pride, arrogance, and ‘know-it-all’ attitude strike out. It’s where we have to be incredibly careful not to stop learning or undermine the challenges that are yet to come.

Always Stay A Student

“As our island of knowledge grows, so does the shore of our ignorance.”

It’s quite clear why this is so important once we start picking up a few wins. Becoming a student is one thing. Remaining a student is something else altogether. We need to constantly remind ourselves that we’re not ‘there’. There’s no specific end goal to learning. It’s a continuous and life-long process.

When we start to feel like ‘we’ve been there and done that’, we need to keep ourselves in check. There’s always an opportunity to learn from other people, it just depends on the perspective you have.

Beware Of The Disease Of Me

Another crucial humbling point is to remind ourselves that we’re not the centre of the universe. We should not make ourselves feel like we’re the most important person in the room. We need to realize that the privilege of success is not going to continue falling into our lap once we make it.

We have to constantly seek out new challenges and embrace the opportunity to struggle. Give other people credit where it’s due and focus on developing them as well. It’s not all about you. It never will always be about you. Let that sober you up a little bit.

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/d3/4d/b3/d34db3027adb960562cf07154aa8e87c.jpg

Meditate On the Immensity

“To see a World in a Grain of Sand / And a Heaven in a Wild Flower / Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand / And Eternity in an hour.”

Reflect on how far you’ve come. How much you’ve grown. How much more there is to grow. Try and see the bigger picture amidst all the distractions. Think of your purpose. Who you are. What you are doing. Your role in this world.

Meaning does not only come from activity, despite how often our ego makes us feel that way. We don’t have to be the centre of attention. We need to look beyond our own success and the rat race, and keep the real objective in mind.

Failure

We then hit a roadblock. Things don’t always work out. We might fall short of our achievement. But how do we respond and pick ourselves up? What is the inner dialogue? How do we react?

Alive Time or Dead Time?

We are almost certainly bound to experience failure in some form or the other, at some point in our life. This can be somewhat of a daunting thought, but there are always ‘make or break’ moments that follow those experiences. We either rise above the circumstance and grow, or we let it crush us and stagnate (or even deteriorate).

Alive time or dead time refers to the concept of either utilizing a negative experience to stay alive (to the learnings, the lessons and potential to grow), or to die out (by falling into bad habits, losing hope and giving up).

When faced with any form of fear, we should constantly try to look at how we can learn from it. Almost all our experiences have some form of value to offer. It’s up to us to extract it. Choose alive time.

The Effort is Enough

“Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”

“Do your work. Do it well. Then let go, and let God.”

To me, this section focused on having a growth mindset. Ryan Holiday brought it up in a slightly different way though. When it comes to missing our targets or not achieving our set out goals, we should focus on the effort we put in. It’s not always about the result, it’s about the dedication.

He brings it up in the context of appreciation and not getting all the praise we deserve for what we set out to do. We should remind ourselves that it’s not our objective to be put on a pedestal. That’s the ego’s goal. Our goal is to try our best and keep pushing, whatever that may mean.

Always Love

When things don’t go our way, it’s easy to hate. It’s easy to blame other people and not take responsibility for the outcomes. We should keep in mind, however, that it doesn’t get us any closer to our goal. In fact, it may even arrest our development entirely.

What we need to do in moments of difficulty is to choose love. To choose forgiveness. To let go of resentment and arrogance. This is definitely easier said than done, but the outcome will always be better. Maybe not for everyone involved, but definitely for your own well-being.

Choosing love is hard because the ego convinces us that we have every right to hate and stay bitter. Which is probably true. Your anger might be justifiable. But it doesn’t mean that lashing out will help you progress. In moments of failure, always love.

Throughout our life, we’ll always be in one of those three stages. Ego will invariably try to play a role in directing us. It’s up to us to be conscious enough in our decisions, to remain humble and to always remain a student.

Dive Into Your Fears

How often do you find yourself consciously facing your fears? In this day and age, I’d say probably not much at all. Being confined by fear is an interesting concept, especially when most of it is actually psychological.

I thought about writing on fear because I know how much I subconsciously try to avoid confronting it. There are a number of root causes to our current fears, which could either be biological, physiological, or due to traumatic experiences.

In today’s post, I’d like to dive into your fears. I’ll look at identifying the different causes of those fears, what we can do about them, and how to avoid being shut down by fear. This might be easier for some of you than it is for others, the point is to try and strengthen our psychological resilience to the horrors we often have to face.

What causes of fear?

“A potential for pain, or an unrecognizable event, causes fear. The amygdalae, organs in the limbic system, detect such possibilities and send the signals which generate the fear emotion, which sets off avoidance activities.”

We experience fear out of instinct to avoid pain or undesirable events. Our minds react to external stimuli (or even mental projections) to ensure that we do what is necessary to survive. So if we have to look at the biological aspect of it, the amygdalae are what cause the sensation of fear. But what events trigger the amygdalae to make us feel that way?

As I’ve alluded to before, there are several different causes behind fear. I’ll focus on 3 in this post specifically, just to touch on the topic at a high-level:

• Failure
• Past trauma
• Evolution

Other causes of fear can include insecurity, overthinking, perfectionism, childhood events (linked to past trauma), and worrying about other people’s opinion to name a few.

On the topic of failure, I think that is one of the most common causes of fear. We are afraid of failing. We want to survive. We want to make it through. We want to succeed. We want to make ourselves and other people in our life proud. It would thus make sense that many of our underlying fears are deep-rooted in our intrinsic motive to avoid failure.

Past trauma is another incredibly important and often undetected cause of fear. When we experience a traumatic event (such as being robbed or getting into a car accident), it often leaves a mark on our psyche. We become a lot more careful, vigilant and even suspicious of the world. We try to avoid getting into that same scenario again, as best as we can.

The last cause of fear that I’ll touch on is that of evolution. We were once hunter gatherers and stayed in very close-knitted groups. We needed to survive off the savannah and ensure the tribe was safe from all forms of danger. The issue is, many of the underlying fears that enabled us to cope with the dangers at that time, stay with us up until today. Fearing snakes, the dark, spiders etc., are often rooted in ancestral times.

https://www.paulekman.com/universal-emotions/what-is-fear/

Tee figure above shows different levels of intensity when it comes to experiencing fear. Apart from just identifying the causes, we should also look at how intense the feeling is. What I’d like to do now is use the mentioned causes of fear to help us figure out what to do about it.

What to do about fear

So what should we do about fear when it does arise? The first answer is the obvious one; accept it. We often try to hide behind this façade of bravery. We like to appear to be fearless and full of courage. It often comes at the expense of being true to ourselves.

Instead of trying to appear to be strong and brave, what’s even more courageous is learning to accept certain fears and working towards overcoming them. True bravery (in my opinion) is about persistence and trying your best to learn from those underlying fears.

How to become Spiderman

After we accept that they’re there, we need to methodically try to overcome them. It won’t just happen overnight. We can’t expect to find an instantaneous answer. Exposure therapy is something that often works really well in this case. Slowly expose yourself to that which makes you afraid (in bearable doses). Then increase the intensity of the exposure as you get more and more used to it.

Those are things that are very situation specific, but are there ways that will allow us to develop a resilience to fear in general? How can we learn to fight that voice in our head and push forward, despite wanting to sit back and stay in our comfort zone?

How to stop letting fear hold you back

From my perspective, it’s about having faith and building up courage. It can surprisingly also boil down to purpose. When we have a strong foundational belief and understand that everything happens for a reason, we tend to be a lot more resilient.

From an Islamic point of view, the following quote resonates a lot with me:

It’s a fundamental belief that God is always with us, irrespective of how dreadful the scenario may be. Keeping that world view in mind allows me to push through many of my fears and setbacks in general.

When it comes to developing resilience to fear in general, what we need to focus on is essentially building a set of habits that allow us to face ‘baby’ fears all the time. A common example of this is cold showers. It’s petrifying and scary as hell. But doing it consistently allows your mind to practice overcoming the mental hurdle.

Next time there’s something that makes you really nervous or that you’re a little scared to do, just go for it and see the difference it can make. You’ll be a lot more ambitious in your goals and you won’t let trivial trials hold you back.

The point I’m trying to make from this post is that you’re capable. The more you put yourself out there and face you fears, the stronger you become. That strength can then diffuse into all other aspects of your life and will enable you to grow exponentially. We don’t realize how much of our potential is blocked purely because of our misconceptions and fears.

Face Everything And Rise.

Taking Life for Granted

I’ve been reflecting over my experiences lately and I’ve come to realize that we take a lot of life for granted. Whether it’s the people in our life, our health, our wealth or even the food on the table, we often find ways to get complacent and ‘expect’ it all to be there day after day.

A really close friend of mine was recently diagnosed with a very serious illness, and it was heartbreaking to hear. Not only because of the thought that I might lose him, but also because I would’ve never expected something like that to happen to ‘us’; considering how young and full of energy we are.

We’ve also been through a lot in terms of the civil unrest + the third wave of the pandemic here in South Africa. I’ll touch more on that in next week’s post.

Today’s post is going to be a familiar talk on gratitude. The emphasis, however, will be on ways to improve our daily engagements to appreciate life a little more. There are some incredibly simple steps that we can take to make a worthwhile difference. Let’s talk about observing nature, being more vulnerable, expressing our feelings, showing gratitude and appreciating ourselves.

Nature nature nature

I keep coming back to the concept of spending time in nature because I honestly think we all really underestimate the power it has on our psyche. One of the ways in which I personally make the most of my day is by spending some time surrounded by nature; whether it’s in the garden, watching the sunrise/sunset, going for a walk, listening to the birds or even just staring at the clouds.

Just like we constantly need to be connected to the internet, we need to also find ways to be connected to the planet. The more we are able to appreciate the gifts that are all around us, the less likely we will feel like we’re taking life for granted.

It sucks now that we’ve entered multiple lockdowns, we have travel restrictions, inflation and taxes are making things more expensive, we can’t really socialize or adventure as much as we used to. What can we do tho? Strengthen our relationship with nature and mindfully observe how we’re all interconnected – find ways to transcend mass consciousness.

Vulnerability and expressing our feelings

One of the ways in which we undermine our capacity to live life to the fullest is by falling short of telling people how we truly feel about them. We are not vulnerably honest enough. We keep beating around the bush, hiding our feelings and waiting for some future state of preparedness.

It’s not too late to start telling the people who mean the world to you, how much you truly love and care for them. In fact, we should make it a regular habit to do just that. We often get caught up our worldly demands, that we tend to neglect those who are closest to us.

Tell them you love them more often. SHOW them you love them more often. Stop waiting for a birthday, an anniversary, a special occasion. The more love you give to the world (and yourself), the more love will be returned to us.

Appreciating ourselves

We appreciate ourselves when we’re able to truly cherish who we are as individuals. As flawed, as weird, as imperfect as we may be, there’s still so much that we’re remarkable at. More and more, we’ve been conditioned into a very specific societal view of what ‘normal’ is meant to be. We ache to fit in and ensure we’re not outcasts; it’s part of our DNA (survival depended on us conforming to group norms).

We’ve reached a point in time tho, where we don’t need that same level of conformity. We shouldn’t have to force ourselves to change who we are, to be loved and appreciated (within certain limits, obviously). We should start appreciating our quirks and realize that it’s what makes us unique. It’s what differentiates us from the rest of the population.

You are incredibly special. You have so much to offer the world and those around you. You are loved. You are capable. And you are absolutely worth it.

Don’t lose hope and stay grateful

Energy follows focus.

It’s always about being thankful. It’s always about appreciating other people. About appreciating what we have. About focusing on our blessings.

It’s been rather chaotic over the past few months, so many different reasons. Yet, our blessings and all that we have is still immeasurable. Don’t lose hope. Don’t despair. Have faith. Trust the process. You will get through this. Faster, stronger and braver than ever before.

It may seem impossible now, but you’ll think back and be astonished at what you’ve accomplished. Take care of those around you as much as you can. Spend enough time in nature. Express your love and affection to those you care about.

“Live for the present like you’ll die tomorrow. Plan for the future like you’ll live forever.”

Thinking about mental health

There’s been a rapid increase in talking about mental health these days. It’s always been such an important topic to me, especially to try and remove the stigma around mental health problems and assisting those who experience them.

The personal aspect about this is that I’ve never really struggled with severe mental health issues myself. It’s something that I’m incredibly grateful for. The issue with that is because I had no real awareness of the topic, I found it difficult to empathize with people who did struggle with mental health in my early adolescence.

Since then, I’ve had several friends and family members who battled with it on a regular basis, and who were kind enough to educate me on the topic. That’s not to say that it wasn’t my responsibility to go out there and learn about it for myself; it was just an advantage that I received.

In today’s post, I’d like to look at ways to understand mental health from an emotional intelligence lens, how to try and look after your own mental health, how we can support those in our life who do struggle with mental health (by removing stigma), and why to stop spitting out solutions (a problem I struggle quite a lot with as an engineer/consultant).

Understanding mental health

The difficult thing about understanding mental health is that we each have our own version of ‘normal’. What we’ve experienced internally from the time we were kids up until now forms the basis of our reality. A lot of the time, it takes quite a lot of experience or reflection to start noticing/understanding your own mental health.

A great place to start is by being a little more conscious of your thoughts and moods. Are they sometimes erratic? Uncomfortable? Inconsistent? Unbearable? Bizarre? Wild? Scary?

One of the best ways to structure your thoughts and understand yourself better is by journalling. A lot of people tell me that what they write down can sometimes feel uncomfortable. This is already an indicator of your mental processes and overall mental health (you obviously develop the skill of writing down your thoughts, I’m talking more about the nature of the thoughts themselves).

Once you have better awareness of what goes on in the processor, you can start working towards maintaining a healthy performance. Find habits and routines that allow you to feel challenged and fulfilled.

If you really struggle here to identify and act on what you can do to improve your mental health, it might be a good option to seek out therapy. It’s just a great way for you to make sense of the chaos and find a comfortable space to unravel your mysteries (speaking from experience).

Looking after our own mental health

This is the tough part. This is the part that requires effort, discipline and consistency. If we don’t look after our own mental health and keep in check on a regular basis, we could then start struggling to perform optimally.

I just want to make it clear that I’m not saying we should do this purely for performance. I’m just using that word to help us understand how it inevitably affects our performance, which affects our overall ambitions, mood and aspirations.

When it comes to looking after our own mental health, we need to start with awareness as I’ve discussed in the previous section. That awareness and acceptance then allows us to formulate an action plan to keep ourselves in check.

A few habits that tend to work well (for me personally) include staying active (even if it’s just a 15 min walk), getting sunlight on a regular basis (kill 2 birds with 1 stone by going on that walk), spending time in nature (now the walk is proving to be remarkable), eating fruits and veggies as often as possible, taking time off from work/studies to recover, socializing with people who genuinely care about me, reading an entertaining book and writing in a journal.

It sounds obvious and possibly boring, but don’t underestimate the cumulative effect of consistently doing these little habits on a daily basis. You’ll be astonished at the impact it’ll have on your life. Find what works best for you and keep at it. Once you’ve managed to keep yourself in check, you’ll be able to support those around you.

Supporting those who suffer with mental disorders

The main thing about awareness campaigns is that it aims to educate people as well as ensure that stigma is dealt with. We’ve seen incredible progress over the past decade in terms of a global acceptance of mental health disorders. This is important because it allows for diversity, equity and inclusion.

When it comes to supporting people who may suffer from certain mental health issues, it’s important that we come from a nonjudgemental standpoint. Additionally, we need to avoid having a superiority complex if we considered ourselves to be mentally healthy.

What I’ve noticed from my own limited experience is that people appreciate being heard and acknowledged. It can oftentimes be difficult to emphasize, especially if you’re not entirely sure what it feels like. But just being there, showing that you care, putting in the effort to comfort them and accepting that they’re more than just their struggle, can go a long way.

What I’ve also learned is that you don’t want to jump into finding solutions (which can sometimes go against my instincts, so I have to be very conscious of this).

Stop looking for solutions

This applies to helping people deal with their mental health issues as much as it does to helping people with their problems in general. Giving unsolicited advice and pointing out solutions to other people’s problems is something many of us struggle with. The reason why we do this is obviously subconscious. It’s easier than sitting in the discomfort of empathy or listening attentively.

As much as we think we’re helping other people by throwing out suggestions to their seemingly simple problems, it can actually distance them and make them less comfortable opening up to us. It makes the them feel unworthy of being able to solve it themselves.

People love autonomy. We love to feel like we’re in control. Like we’re capable. Like we got this. The minute someone else comes and tells you how to do it (even if it’s a perfectly viable solution that can make your life a 100x better), you’re likely to resist it and try to ignore it.

The same logic applies when you’re trying to help someone who is feeling anxious or depressed. Instead of jumping to a solution and telling them to go drink water/ meditate / sleep / exercise, try and engage more meaningfully in discussion and allow them to do more of the talking.

I’m still trying to find the right balance here myself, but what I’ve noticed about giving advice is that you should either wait for it to be asked, or prompt them first and check whether they’re in a receptive space to hear you out.

It’s always going to be complicated to try and understand mental health, even your own. The point is to try your best each and every day, whatever that means to you. Your best may differ from time to time and that’s okay. You’re going to get through this. You’re strong and capable enough. Don’t ever give up. You got this.

#LiftAsYouRise

Money Makes The World Go Round

Incredibly grateful to have recently started earning my own money for the first time. Financial independence is such a common goal among us all (understandably so). I’ve also started learning a lot about investing, budgeting, and economics in general (the course I’m doing has micro and macro economics).

A trend I’ve noticed when I speak to people about finance is that everyone is desperately trying to make more money (not everyone, but quite a substantial amount). It almost doesn’t matter how much you have at the moment, our brains are just wired to try and make more. I’m not saying that it’s a good or bad thing, it’s just an observation.

In today’s post, I’d like to look at the psychology of economics, why we never seem to have enough, how I personally budget my income, on the shortness of life and why we should strive to be more generous.

The psychology of economics

Economic theories base their models off the assumption that people and organisations are rational. As a person myself, I can attest to the fact that we’re mostly impulsive, short-sighted and incredibly irrational.

Behavioural economics is a fascinating field of study relating to how people make decisions, based on economic, sociologic and psychological factors. What we need to understand here are a few main points (which all go against rationality):

• We are mostly risk averse / neutral (we fear losing more than our desire want to win)
• We are prone to psychological pricing (we think expensive things are of better quality)
• Nudge theory can easily be used to influence our decision making (where items are placed makes a difference)
• Our preferences are determined based on the options present – the framing effect (we buy things based on all the options available, not just what we need)

I’ve extracted the points above from the Crash Course video. Feel free to watch it for more information on behavioural economics. Let’s look at why we never seem to have enough money.

Never enough

Another principle of economic theory is that we’re always competing within scarcity. There just isn’t an infinite amount of resources. We have to continuously make decisions that require trade-offs and opportunity costs. Sometimes though, it feels like there’s a lot more than we behave there is.

Linking the concept of scarcity back to human psychology, we are always trying to ensure that we have some kind of safety net. In economics, this is probably having financial wellness and independence. The problem with the human is psyche is that we always think of the worst-case scenario. We save money planning for disasters (rightfully so, given what Covid has taught us).

But does it reach a point where our safety net starts becoming a little suffocating? Where we start planning for the future like we’ll live forever? Why does it seem like we never have enough money? Why do always crave more money? What’s the point of having all this ‘stuff’?

https://i.redd.it/n621jd4frjc01.jpg

I’m not answering those questions, but I just thought it would be some useful reflection points. Let’s talk a little more about effectively budgeting (as a young adult).

Budgeting 101

Living away from your parents/family teaches you a lot about how to be financially independent (given you’re not just dumped with a large allowance every month). What I’ve learned over the past few years is a way to balance my fixed expenses, operating costs and savings (speaking from a point of privilege).

The key here is to use percentages, as everyone has an incredibly unique financial model. We have similar types of expenses, but the values differ significantly based on our lifestyle and status.

First thing’s first, I’d recommend you download an app. I’m not trying to promote anything specific here, but you can find a number of really useful ones on your app store. Just search ‘Budgeting app’. Start tracking your income and expenses a little more carefully, not to become obsessive over it, but to get an understanding of what’s going on.

1. Download a money budgeting app
2. Put in your income and expenses (fixed and general) over the month
3. Set out a specific % to save / invest
4. Set out a specific % to donate
5. Use the remainder to enjoy yourself / treat others

When you have that awareness of the trends you generally follow, set a certain % every month for savings, investments or just in case of emergencies. This should obviously be done after your core expenses have been paid out.

A neat budgeting template as per Dave Ramsey

After that, carve out a % to spend on charity. This is where your ROI will be immeasurable. It’s how you bring blessings and true wealth into your life. You’ll genuinely start noticing an increase in abundance. The more you give, the more you get.

The last aspect is to use the remainder to enjoy yourself or to treat others. You don’t have to blast it, but you shouldn’t be miserly or stingy either. Be kinder. Give out more tips. Buy more gifts. Indulge a little more in quality, instead of always opting for the cheapest option (within your circumstances).

I’m not trying to tell you how to use your money. I’m merely indicating what has been working for me (in my incredibly short period of earning, haha). If you do have any other suggestions or disagree with anything mentioned, feel free to leave a comment. Let’s look at the last aspect that I’d like to discuss, Memento Mori.

Death

My ethical compass constantly fluctuates between saving money for my future and spending money because I’m not guaranteed a future. I think the key aspect here is to find a right balance. Save enough to have a safety net and spend enough to live your best life.

The overarching theme though is that we’re not taking any of our possessions with us when we pass on. It’s a sobering thought, but one that we need to constantly be reminded of. We behave as if we’re 100% going to make to the next day, yet we are unsure of the next hour, minute and even second.

The lesson that I’m trying to incorporate for myself is that we should not be attached to our possessions. Let go more often. Give out things that you don’t use more often. We need to get out of this hording mentality. Where it’s just about more and more and more. Sometimes though, more is less.

Memento Mori: Remember that you too shall pass on someday. Don’t forget that fact. It’s the only thing in life that’s truly guaranteed.

Why Do We Complain So Much?

I’m so tired. I’m so busy. This is so unfair. I hate it here. It’s so hard. Why do I have to work so much? Why can’t I just sleep all day? It’s not as nice as I expected. This sucks.

We seem to be surrounded by people who flourish on complaining. It’s almost romanticized in a way, given how common it is on social media. In today’s post, I’d like to emphasize the difference between letting out things that are bothering you (venting) and focusing on the negative aspects of your life (complaining).

There’s a very interesting thing that happens to our mindset when we stop focusing on what’s going well in our lives. We become complacent and accustomed to a certain level on ingratitude. Let’s unpack how to properly vent, what to do when you feel like complaining, the power of gratitude and how to help other people.

How to properly vent

It’s often incredibly helpful for us to let out our thoughts and troubles. When we engage in dialogue, it allows us to make sense of the chaos in our minds, in order for us to structure it for other people to understand.

Venting is a common way for us to do just that. To comprehend our own problems and articulate it well enough for others to give valuable input. It does however, require a few criteria to be in place. This includes trust, psychological safety and a willingness for us to be vulnerable.

When we start talking to other people about our issues, we need to make sure we’re not just playing victim and complaining about everything. This might make us feel better temporarily, but it can also burden the other party by making them deal with the consequence of our negative energy.

What we should do instead is clearly express how the situation made us feel, instead of bashing the situation itself. Being objective here can be quite useful, to specify the aspects that are actually bothering us. When we’re with people we trust and have a sense of psychological safety around, it typically induces us to be vulnerable.

That’s the main difference between venting and complaining; our willingness to be vulnerable and express our emotions, compared to just focusing on the negative aspects of the situation.

What to do when you feel like complaining

For many of us, it becomes a habit to just start complaining. It’s the first thing we do when things don’t go according to plan (which happens more often than we’d like). So what can we do when we have the urge to start complaining?

The answer lies in a bit of self-awareness. We need to first start understanding the underlying emotions that we’re feeling. This could be feeling frustrated, upset, annoyed, angry, fed up, lonely or just stressed. Once you’re able to identify the feeling itself, learn to accept it.

Acceptance is a key ingredient here yet again. Understand that first and foremost, the feeling is temporary. It will pass. You will get through it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. We tend to overlook that fact when we’re in the crux of things.

Just try and take a step back and look at things from the bigger picture. You’re learning. You’re growing. The experience will help you evolve. What you should do instead, is find actionable steps to overcome the issue.

Complaining doesn’t bring you any closer to the solution. Focus on finding ways to deal with the problem or to even just understanding it better, you’ll be amazed by how much easier life can be.

The power of gratitude

Remember, energy follows focus. Which means that our power lies in our ability to focus. When we’re able to channel our focus onto our blessings and what’s working well in our lives, we start directing energy into our potential and abundance.

Instead of complaining (or focusing on what isn’t going well), try and re-direct your thoughts into what is going well. This will have a profound impact on your mood, energy levels, motivation and ability to get things done.

Gratitude is the appreciation we experience in the present moment for something we’re blessed with. We’re all blessed immeasurably. You can never count all your blessings, but I suggest you try it out and write down a few things. Do this every morning before you start your day and you’ll immediately start experiencing life a little differently.

After a while, you’ll start appreciating the struggle. You’ll be able to handle the challenges life throws out you more readily. More than just that, you’ll be a lot more joyful and full of energy.

Helping other people

If all else fails when you’re trying to resist complaining, try helping out other people instead. More often than not, this will give you perspective into the problems other people are dealing with, which could help you empathise with them and see your own issues in a new light.

I don’t like to say ‘look at how much better off you are than other people’, because the point isn’t to undermine your own issues. The point is to understand that everyone has issues. Everyone is dealing with certain struggles.

If you can make life easier for just 1 other person, you’ve contributed significantly. This will build momentum and you might even try and make your own life easier (we tend to complicate things for ourselves a lot more than we need to).

What I want to leave you with is this: Focus more on solutions, what you can control, understanding the problem itself, being grateful for what you have and helping out other people as often as possible. Complaining is not the same thing as venting. Be very cautious of that. You don’t want to unnecessarily burden other people, and you don’t want to waste your own energy either. We need all the energy that we can get.

Stop complaining and start focusing on what truly matters.

A Pandemic of Loneliness

How do you deal with being lonely? Perhaps you’re addicted to something, like I discussed a couple of weeks ago. It’s definitely easier to find distractions than it is to sit with our thoughts. The social distancing certainly seems to be causing emotional distancing.

I recently read a headline that said we’re experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. I figured it would be quite important to bring the topic up, considering how difficult this can often be to navigate. Why is human connection so important and why are we struggling with it?

We have more people on the planet than ever before, yet we feel more disconnected (despite how virtually connected we are) than ever as well. Let’s unwrap what causes us to feel lonely, how social media affects our ability to connect, the power of vulnerability and ways to move forward.

PS: Being comfortable alone and feeling lonely are completely different things.

What causes loneliness?

The definition of loneliness is essentially the emotional state when we feel or perceive ourselves to be isolated from other people. It can be painful, stressful and induce symptoms of depression.

Here are some possible causes of loneliness that I found incredibly insightful:

• Emotional isolation (EQ)
• Intellectual isolation (IQ)
• Affluence (how wealthy you are)
• Living situation
• Social anxiety

I’ve obtained the list above from the link below. Feel free to refer to it for more information.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25481/unexpected-causes-of-loneliness-what-to-do-about-them.html

So the interesting thing that I’ve gathered is that there are certain aspects of our nature that incline us towards being on our own. Our emotional intelligence enables us to gain awareness, but it also means we are likely to stop surrounding ourselves with people who we’ve connected to through a common brokenness. The quote below describes it incredibly well.

“The more you heal, the less you’ll connect with people with whom you once shared a common level of woundedness.”

People who are incredibly intelligent in a specific way (a high IQ for example), may find it difficult to spend time with less intelligent people. There is often a demand for stimulating conversations and that may not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Another interesting factor is your affluence / how much wealth you have. It can be intimidating and there can be misconceptions that people think you’re arrogant or better than them. This is also an isolating factor. Your living situation and neighbourhood can also play a role in your inability to connect with people and socialize. Lastly, a prominent factor can be social anxiety or fearing rejection. These cause us to overthink and can discourage us from seeking genuine human connection. Let’s see how social media plays a role in all this.

The impact of social media

I’ve already debated how social media affects our daily lives; both from a positive and negative lens. This time, I’d like to relate it back to how it impacts our loneliness. The problem with being able to zoom into people’s lives so regularly, is that it creates a sense of FOMO.

The feeling occurs subconsciously. You see other people enjoying themselves, going out, seemingly having the time of their life; while you’re at home, alone, bored, staring at your phone in your underwear. This obviously creates a certain yearning. We also crave to be out and about, having coffee with mates or going on adventures.

When we’re alone with our thoughts and don’t have specific Friday night plans, we often distract ourselves on social media. We just need to be aware of the impact that has on our psyche and the way it may negatively affect us; inducing a certain sense of loneliness.

https://justimagine.azureedge.net/wp-media/2018/12/Unengineering-loneliness-JI.jpg

The solution (in my opinion) is to reach out to people instead of watching what they’re doing. Send messages to those you haven’t spoken to in a while. Start conversations with people you find interesting. Make a plan to group video call your friends.

It’s okay to feel a little needy sometimes. It’s okay to want to connect. It’s okay to reach out. It’s okay to be vulnerable.

The power of vulnerability

The concept of vulnerability ties into our inherent fear of rejection. We often think that showing our true colours to people will result in them rejecting us for who we really are. This may in fact have been proved to us when we were younger.

The truth of the matter is, when we’re willing to share our feelings, emotions and thoughts with people, despite how outrageous they may seem, it can result in a more genuine form of connection.

We tend to think that we’re all extremely different. However, we ultimately share a similar array of emotions. We’ve all been hurt, lonely, excited, nervous, stressed, shy, scared and joyful. If we focus more on how similar we truly are, it allows us to share those experiences with others.

Do you want to know why vulnerability is effective? Because it allows us to establish trust. The expectation is that you’ll be speaking to me about aspects of your life that you wouldn’t want me to take advantage of, mock, share with others, or disregard. Once I see how much you can trust me with your thoughts, it allows me to feel comfortable enough to share my experiences with you. This enhances empathy, genuine human connection and makes us feel less isolated. The more we can relate to others and be vulnerable, the less likely we are to feel lonely.

How to deal with the feeling of loneliness

What should we do about feelings lonely then? It’s easy to start watching TV, scroll social media or just read something to keep our minds occupied. But that’s not dealing with the actual feeling, it’s just pushing it further back in the closet. What we need is acceptance.

Arguably the most difficult aspect of all; learning how to accept our feelings for what they truly are. When we accept how we feel, it’s a way of making peace with our mind and the world around us. Acceptance means that we don’t resist what comes up. We don’t force away what’s yearning to be heard. We don’t distract ourselves from the truth. Only once we accept, can we then take action and move forward. It also means that we don’t judge ourselves. We are only short-lived human beings after all.

After acceptance, we can start to work on improving that internal condition. We can write about it, reach out to people, speak our minds, lean into our hearts and share vulnerabilities. We can find activities that fulfil us. Serve others more. Be kinder. Be more caring, patient and loving to the world.

The more you give, the more you get. Start demanding less, and start giving more. And when it comes to receiving, don’t deny yourself that either.

Don’t allow social distancing to create emotional distancing. If you’re reading this rn, please know that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are cared for. You are worth it. Reach out to me if you need to. Reach out to other people you haven’t to in a while. It’s going to be okay. You got this.

Why Are We Addicted?

What’s the first thing that came to your mind when you read out the title? Do you feel like there are certain behaviours that you just can’t do without?

I was thinking about how the human experience is essentially about continuously overcoming different forms of addiction. We tend to find something that stimulates us enough and hold onto it.

Whether it’s food, social media, attention, video games, watching series, smoking, coffee or even exercise. There seems to be an underlying psychological aspect to that distraction, despite the harm it has on us or those around us. I thought it would be interesting to have a Thinking Out Loud post to share my thoughts on this.

Distractions

If there’s anything we’re undoubtedly addicted to, it’s being distracted. Our attention is data, which is essentially a modern day currency. This doesn’t just speak to ads and social media, but every aspect of our life. The more we let our attention loose, the more likely we are to get distracted.

Here’s the interesting thing though, distraction is addictive because it means we don’t have to think about things that really matter. Notice the way you constantly have the urge to keep yourself busy, whenever you have a second to think for yourself. It’s during that period of stillness that we’re able to harness our full potential.

So if we’re addicted to being distracted, then how exactly do we deal with those obtrusive thoughts? The answer is to simply give our minds a safe space to let those thoughts out. The next time you notice that you’re trying to keep unnecessarily busy, ask yourself how you’re feeling at that given point.

Journalling tends to work wonders here. You essentially have to find a way to structure the chaos that’s going on in your mind. The more clearly you’re able to articulate your thoughts to yourself, the better you’ll be able to do the same thing with other people. Additionally, you would also free up bandwidth, which may help you focus on your specific tasks.

“You can’t remove habits, you can only replace them.”

I think that quote speaks incredibly well to the point I’m trying to make, especially in relation to the habits you’ve formed around being distracted.

Replace the numbing with vulnerability and allow yourself to feel. This will not only benefit you, but everyone around you too.

Short-term vs long-term

If you think about any addiction, there are typically consequences in the short-run and the long-run. The difficult thing is that it’s both pleasurable and painful (no such thing as good or bad, just our perception of things).

In the short-run, our addictions seem to give us a little dopamine boost. We hyper-stimulate our senses in some way. This feels great for a specific moment in time. However, the dependency we form becomes imbedded in us. We continuously re-wire the neurons in our brain for that fix. That makes it harder for us to find alternatives, to deal with our thoughts and emotions in the long-run.

“Live for the present like you’ll die tomorrow, plan for the future like you’ll live forever.”

In the long-run, we need to think about the cumulative effect of repeatedly pursuing that addiction. It’s essentially like thinking about the results we want to achieve from being consistent – similar to the way habits work.

It’s also convenient to ignore the fact that we do end up being addicted to certain things. We tend to keep ourselves in a mode of denial.

Denial

What’s always easier than doing the hard work? Ignoring the fact that there is work to do in the first place.

https://www.whatweseee.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/wind.png

The diagram above displays the concept of The Johari Window. It speaks to the fact that there are four possible quadrants within our self-awareness. The shared self, hidden self, blind self and unknown self. We should strive towards being known to ourselves, on the left two quadrants; the shared and hidden self.

Being in denial is like forcing yourself to be in the right two quadrants; trying to make things unknown to yourself. The blind and unknown selves are where we need to put in the most work. This is because we want unveil what we’re blind to but others can see, and want to figure out as best as we can what we’re unknown to.

The points I’m trying to make here is that we’re always fending off different types of addiction. It seems an evitable aspect of life. We just need to keep our awareness up and constantly work on ourselves, to avoid falling into the unknown.

Actionable advice: Start with acceptance. Don’t deny the fact that are certain behaviours that you’d like to replace. After that, write down the reason why it’s important for you to do that and the impact it would have in the long-run. Note a plan of action and try your best to stay consistent with it.

Share your struggle with others and embrace being vulnerable. We’re all trying out best.