Why Do We Complain So Much?

I’m so tired. I’m so busy. This is so unfair. I hate it here. It’s so hard. Why do I have to work so much? Why can’t I just sleep all day? It’s not as nice as I expected. This sucks.

We seem to be surrounded by people who flourish on complaining. It’s almost romanticized in a way, given how common it is on social media. In today’s post, I’d like to emphasize the difference between letting out things that are bothering you (venting) and focusing on the negative aspects of your life (complaining).

There’s a very interesting thing that happens to our mindset when we stop focusing on what’s going well in our lives. We become complacent and accustomed to a certain level on ingratitude. Let’s unpack how to properly vent, what to do when you feel like complaining, the power of gratitude and how to help other people.

How to properly vent

It’s often incredibly helpful for us to let out our thoughts and troubles. When we engage in dialogue, it allows us to make sense of the chaos in our minds, in order for us to structure it for other people to understand.

Venting is a common way for us to do just that. To comprehend our own problems and articulate it well enough for others to give valuable input. It does however, require a few criteria to be in place. This includes trust, psychological safety and a willingness for us to be vulnerable.

When we start talking to other people about our issues, we need to make sure we’re not just playing victim and complaining about everything. This might make us feel better temporarily, but it can also burden the other party by making them deal with the consequence of our negative energy.

What we should do instead is clearly express how the situation made us feel, instead of bashing the situation itself. Being objective here can be quite useful, to specify the aspects that are actually bothering us. When we’re with people we trust and have a sense of psychological safety around, it typically induces us to be vulnerable.

That’s the main difference between venting and complaining; our willingness to be vulnerable and express our emotions, compared to just focusing on the negative aspects of the situation.

What to do when you feel like complaining

For many of us, it becomes a habit to just start complaining. It’s the first thing we do when things don’t go according to plan (which happens more often than we’d like). So what can we do when we have the urge to start complaining?

The answer lies in a bit of self-awareness. We need to first start understanding the underlying emotions that we’re feeling. This could be feeling frustrated, upset, annoyed, angry, fed up, lonely or just stressed. Once you’re able to identify the feeling itself, learn to accept it.

Acceptance is a key ingredient here yet again. Understand that first and foremost, the feeling is temporary. It will pass. You will get through it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. We tend to overlook that fact when we’re in the crux of things.

Just try and take a step back and look at things from the bigger picture. You’re learning. You’re growing. The experience will help you evolve. What you should do instead, is find actionable steps to overcome the issue.

Complaining doesn’t bring you any closer to the solution. Focus on finding ways to deal with the problem or to even just understanding it better, you’ll be amazed by how much easier life can be.

The power of gratitude

Remember, energy follows focus. Which means that our power lies in our ability to focus. When we’re able to channel our focus onto our blessings and what’s working well in our lives, we start directing energy into our potential and abundance.

Instead of complaining (or focusing on what isn’t going well), try and re-direct your thoughts into what is going well. This will have a profound impact on your mood, energy levels, motivation and ability to get things done.

Gratitude is the appreciation we experience in the present moment for something we’re blessed with. We’re all blessed immeasurably. You can never count all your blessings, but I suggest you try it out and write down a few things. Do this every morning before you start your day and you’ll immediately start experiencing life a little differently.

After a while, you’ll start appreciating the struggle. You’ll be able to handle the challenges life throws out you more readily. More than just that, you’ll be a lot more joyful and full of energy.

Helping other people

If all else fails when you’re trying to resist complaining, try helping out other people instead. More often than not, this will give you perspective into the problems other people are dealing with, which could help you empathise with them and see your own issues in a new light.

I don’t like to say ‘look at how much better off you are than other people’, because the point isn’t to undermine your own issues. The point is to understand that everyone has issues. Everyone is dealing with certain struggles.

If you can make life easier for just 1 other person, you’ve contributed significantly. This will build momentum and you might even try and make your own life easier (we tend to complicate things for ourselves a lot more than we need to).

What I want to leave you with is this: Focus more on solutions, what you can control, understanding the problem itself, being grateful for what you have and helping out other people as often as possible. Complaining is not the same thing as venting. Be very cautious of that. You don’t want to unnecessarily burden other people, and you don’t want to waste your own energy either. We need all the energy that we can get.

Stop complaining and start focusing on what truly matters.

Why Are We Addicted?

What’s the first thing that came to your mind when you read out the title? Do you feel like there are certain behaviours that you just can’t do without?

I was thinking about how the human experience is essentially about continuously overcoming different forms of addiction. We tend to find something that stimulates us enough and hold onto it.

Whether it’s food, social media, attention, video games, watching series, smoking, coffee or even exercise. There seems to be an underlying psychological aspect to that distraction, despite the harm it has on us or those around us. I thought it would be interesting to have a Thinking Out Loud post to share my thoughts on this.

Distractions

If there’s anything we’re undoubtedly addicted to, it’s being distracted. Our attention is data, which is essentially a modern day currency. This doesn’t just speak to ads and social media, but every aspect of our life. The more we let our attention loose, the more likely we are to get distracted.

Here’s the interesting thing though, distraction is addictive because it means we don’t have to think about things that really matter. Notice the way you constantly have the urge to keep yourself busy, whenever you have a second to think for yourself. It’s during that period of stillness that we’re able to harness our full potential.

So if we’re addicted to being distracted, then how exactly do we deal with those obtrusive thoughts? The answer is to simply give our minds a safe space to let those thoughts out. The next time you notice that you’re trying to keep unnecessarily busy, ask yourself how you’re feeling at that given point.

Journalling tends to work wonders here. You essentially have to find a way to structure the chaos that’s going on in your mind. The more clearly you’re able to articulate your thoughts to yourself, the better you’ll be able to do the same thing with other people. Additionally, you would also free up bandwidth, which may help you focus on your specific tasks.

“You can’t remove habits, you can only replace them.”

I think that quote speaks incredibly well to the point I’m trying to make, especially in relation to the habits you’ve formed around being distracted.

Replace the numbing with vulnerability and allow yourself to feel. This will not only benefit you, but everyone around you too.

Short-term vs long-term

If you think about any addiction, there are typically consequences in the short-run and the long-run. The difficult thing is that it’s both pleasurable and painful (no such thing as good or bad, just our perception of things).

In the short-run, our addictions seem to give us a little dopamine boost. We hyper-stimulate our senses in some way. This feels great for a specific moment in time. However, the dependency we form becomes imbedded in us. We continuously re-wire the neurons in our brain for that fix. That makes it harder for us to find alternatives, to deal with our thoughts and emotions in the long-run.

“Live for the present like you’ll die tomorrow, plan for the future like you’ll live forever.”

In the long-run, we need to think about the cumulative effect of repeatedly pursuing that addiction. It’s essentially like thinking about the results we want to achieve from being consistent – similar to the way habits work.

It’s also convenient to ignore the fact that we do end up being addicted to certain things. We tend to keep ourselves in a mode of denial.

Denial

What’s always easier than doing the hard work? Ignoring the fact that there is work to do in the first place.

https://www.whatweseee.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/wind.png

The diagram above displays the concept of The Johari Window. It speaks to the fact that there are four possible quadrants within our self-awareness. The shared self, hidden self, blind self and unknown self. We should strive towards being known to ourselves, on the left two quadrants; the shared and hidden self.

Being in denial is like forcing yourself to be in the right two quadrants; trying to make things unknown to yourself. The blind and unknown selves are where we need to put in the most work. This is because we want unveil what we’re blind to but others can see, and want to figure out as best as we can what we’re unknown to.

The points I’m trying to make here is that we’re always fending off different types of addiction. It seems an evitable aspect of life. We just need to keep our awareness up and constantly work on ourselves, to avoid falling into the unknown.

Actionable advice: Start with acceptance. Don’t deny the fact that are certain behaviours that you’d like to replace. After that, write down the reason why it’s important for you to do that and the impact it would have in the long-run. Note a plan of action and try your best to stay consistent with it.

Share your struggle with others and embrace being vulnerable. We’re all trying out best.

You can do it!

Toddlers don’t give up on walking no matter how many times they fall. Would it make sense for them to say: I can’t do it? Not at all. They just can’t do it YET. They don’t give up, regardless of all the failures. There’s a lot that we can learn from children, especially resilience.

Before the world influenced our thought patterns and self-doubt, we were creatures of adventure, experimentation and playfulness. We kept messing up until we got things right. We weren’t afraid of what people thought. We only realized how disgusting sand tasted after we gobbled down a handful.

I want to talk a little about how we can learn to overcome failure. About how that influences the way we tackle problems and chase our ambitions. About the way we thrive in discomfort. And how a little change in mindset alongside some consistency, will help us flourish.

I’ve spoken about the concept of growth mindset in my previous blog post; The Journey IV. I thought it would be important to bring it up again because of how we’re constantly faced with difficult tasks and exhaustive schedules.

Challenge accepted

How often have you faced a challenge and thought: “This isn’t for me, I can’t do it”. Well that’s okay, you can’t always overcome obstacles when you encounter them immediately. Don’t ever give up on yourself though and say that you can’t do it. You just have to keep trying until you get it right.

“Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.”

Henry Ford

That it one of my favourite quotes. When you realize that there’s always going to be challenges, your approach to them can start to change. You don’t always have to resist and try to run away. You can develop the ability to embrace challenges and learn to accept them.

Life can oftentimes feel quite paradoxical. In the book “The Wisdom of Insecurity” by Alan Watts, he mentions a concept called the ‘Backwards law’. It talks about how we always end up getting what we’re running away from. And what we chase just gets further away from us.

“What you resist, will persist.”

This obviously doesn’t speak about pursuing goals and passions, but rather attaching yourself desperately onto certain emotions. Chasing what feels good as ‘pleasure’. Avoiding what feels bad as ‘pain’. We don’t realize that we can’t enjoy one without the other. The Yin and Yang of life. We should try be more accepting of the fact that life is meant to be challenging, otherwise it wouldn’t be worth it.

Seek Discomfort

The only way to grow? Out of your comfort zone. What does that imply? Seeking frightening and uncomfortable experiences!

This isn’t masochistic per say. It means training your mind to embrace discomfort. Re-wiring your neurons to effectively deal with all the struggle. That’s why cold showers and waking up early in the morning are such holistic habits. They help your brain adapt to the inevitable sufferings of life.

I’m just trying to help you understand the concept of acceptance. When you’re truly able to accept your feelings, they no longer hold you down. Which is why it’s so important to learn to accept pain. It’s an inevitable aspect of life.

Look at all the major events that have shaped who you are today. You were most likely ‘going through the most’ or have had to struggle intensely. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s okay. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and scared. It’s okay to fail and make mistakes. Just accept that and learn from it. Seek to be better each and every day.

Mindset

The previous sections essentially fosters a growth mindset. When you start seeing setbacks as opportunities to learn, the world becomes your school. You need to watch the self-talk and the negative thought patterns. You need to tell yourself ‘not yet’ for the skills you don’t have or the goals you haven’t achieved.

The pathway to success is filled with failure. Sometimes major, sometimes minor, oftentimes both. But that’s the quickest way to grow. To just keep trying and to avoid repeating the mistakes that have held you down.

How many times does life have to teach you the same lesson before you actually learn?

The more time you spend gaining experience, the better you get at tackling the problem. That brings me to another crucial concept; consistency.

Consistency

I bring this up again and again and again. Because it truly is the most important skill-set to obtain. You need to be consistent to grow in any aspect of your life.

Whether it’s love, friendship, work, academics or business, the key lies in being consistent. You don’t even have to take it from me, look around you at everyone who you consider ‘successful’. They had to show up and do the work repeatedly, not only when they felt like it.

What differentiates the ordinary from extraordinary isn’t just talent. It’s the hard work, dedication, seizing of opportunities and deliberate practice. That means always trying. No matter how many times you screw up, no matter how many times you fall, no matter how many times you get hurt; don’t stop.

You can do it. You are capable. You are beautiful. You are strong. You are worthy. You will achieve greatness. You will make an impact. You will get through this; faster, stronger and better than ever. YOU CAN DO IT. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, especially not your own voice.

DON’T EVER GIVE UP!

“He who sweats more in training, bleeds less at war.”

Spartans

Thinking out loud ~1

So I’ll take a different kind of approach here. Not any sort of book review, rather just a post where I’ll blab out some thoughts. “Writing is closer to thinking than speaking”. That’s a quote ingrained on one of my journals. Quite true I’d say, things are much clearer when you get to write it out.

If you think about it, every time you write something, you’re just narrating a story of some sort. When I read back over previous journal entries, it made me realize how much of a time-machine it is. The story is always remembered in some vivid way.

Speaking of memory, whenever we think of past experiences, the version of the story slightly alters. That’s purely because, the less you think about a certain experience or event, the less likely it is to stay in your mind. Kind of like an old trail, if it isn’t used enough, it’ll get covered up. Just realizing how easy it is for us to re-wire our own neurons. However, certain experiences do trigger a longer-lasting memory, especially if they’re unpleasant. We could go on for quite a while about this, but let’s move on.

Getting back to narrating a story. I recently joined something called the Student Leadership Program at UCT, which is essentially a weekly course on becoming a better leader in your community. The first session I attended was about thinking through your own story (and leadership). A few of my peers from the program went up to speak about their story, which I found incredibly inspiring and motivational.

We all have a story, whatever that means to us. What I realized while I was trying to articulate my own story and listening to others, was how important it is to have some sort of self-awareness.

Being self-aware enables us to see the patterns within our self, that may or may not be serving us. Identifying with our own journey is something vital, because we need to have some sort of driving force. If we don’t know where we’re going, we’re never going to reach the destination.

I believe that if we can start asking ourselves the right questions, it’ll automatically allow us to reflect on what matters most to us. Let me just jot down a few:

• Who am I?
• What are my key values?
• What is my purpose?
• Where am I going in this current direction?
• What am I trying to achieve?
• What do I believe in?
• What is the impact I want to have on the world?
• How can I be of service to others?
• How do I want to be remembered?
• Why do I care about certain people?
• Am I surrounding myself with people who encourage and motivate me?
• What is the greatest ideal of myself that I can be today?
• Why am I here?
• How can I learn from this?
• How can I do this better?

Some of these questions might be a little foreign or even ‘too deep’, but they’re critical to having an idea of our own story. When we spend time thinking about these things, we’ll start getting answers we didn’t even realize we needed. This will be probably be through the change of habits and behaviours; unconsciously.

These are also questions that aren’t static, they’re dynamic and continuously evolving. We’ll never have the same answer to those questions everyday, because our story changes each and everyday.

The more experiences we have, the more we’re exposed to, the more interactions we engage in, the more we’ll inevitably change. Don’t forget that we’re just a bunch of neurons firing different pathways. Those pathways are re-constructed with every single thought!

“Reasons reap benefits.”

I didn’t intend on making this a long post, just wanted it to be something quick and meaningful. I hope I’ve managed to offer you a different perspective.

Ask yourself the right questions, and the answers will become clearer and clearer. When we have a better sense of where we’re going, we’ll find more effective ways to get there. So think about your story more often, and allow yourself to be. We’re all here momentarily, so let’s make it legendary.

The 5 AM Club

The way you start your day, powerfully shapes how productively you’ll live it.

This post will be very closely linked to The Journey II. I’ll speak about the importance of waking up early and how a powerful morning routine can help you make everyday, legendary! As previously mentioned, this will discuss a lot of The 5 AM Club (5AC) by Robin Sharma, so it’ll be similar to a book review.

Essentially I’ll discuss the values I’ve found most useful and how it has truly helped me amplify my days. Through asking questions about why we should wake up early, then answering them by discussing the benefits, I’ll hopefully convince you to wake up earlier. Keep in mind that there’s no such thing as a ‘morning person’, you are what you do repeatedly.

Before I dive into the routine on how we can make the most of our day, I’ll talk about some of the wisdom I’ve learnt from the story in the 5AC.

Give more, take less. There’s just something profound about being generous or charitable, whereby the more you give the more you get. I’ve genuinely become a firm believer of that (a key pillar of Islam is to be charitable), and it’s emphasized quite a lot here. From my own experience, giving to those who are less fortunate or just being generous to those around you, instills gratitude.

When you’re grateful and content, you’re no longer chasing accumulation or greed. This is something I’m extremely thankful to my parents for, they’re genuinely the kindest people in my life. I know gratitude is repeated a lot in my posts, but there’s no doubt it’s one of the most important values to me.

Another piece of wisdom is being relentless in your dedication. The moment you feel like giving up and calling it quits, is the moment you should try your best to stay put and push forward. This teaches something called grit; that the ability to persevere and work hard outweighs talent. [Grit by Angela Duckworth is an incredible read for those interested in resilience and passion]

“The soreness of growth is so much less expensive, than the devastating costs of regret.”

The final point, is to just acknowledge that there’s more than just mindset to focus on. There are 4 interior empires to balance for success and fulfillment, which sort of relates to The Journey V. They are:

• Mindset
• Heartset
• Healthset
• Soulset

I won’t go into too much detail since I’ve already discussed it previously, but keep in mind that, starting your day by working on each of those components is key to having a legendary day, everyday.

Mindset would revolve around your self-talk and pyschology. Heartset is having the ability to be forgiving and compassionate to the world around you, as well as dealing with the traumas and heartbreaks of your past.

Healthset is ensuring you exercise sufficiently and stay in optimum health. Finally, soulset is about your ability to cultivate your character. Your authenticity, bravery and courage, what you stand for. So these are the four interior empires that we need to focus on each and everyday for longevity and fulfillment.

Let’s start with why? Why should we wake up at 5 am everyday?

1- Okay I’ll first start with something simple; it enhances the state of ‘flow‘. This can be considered the peak mental state where our perceptions become heightened, our originality increases and we’re able to access new levels of processing power. For me, this state is most easily accessed when I play soccer for example. It’s when you enjoy doing something so much (albeit challenging), that you forget about everything else, lose track of time and find an optimal way to focus.

2- Another simple reason would be to obtain a Gargantuan Competitive Advantage (GCA). Just think about all that you can achieve if you’re up before everyone else. I’ve been feeling like I’ve lived multiple days in one since waking up at 5 am. How does this give me a GCA? Well because I have time to focus on finding clarity within myself, before rushing and diving into the chaos & compulsion of daily life. Waking up at such an early point of the day, allows you to sit in stillness with yourself, plan for the day, focus on your core values and overall prepare before everyone else.

3- In case you still need another reason, it develops your willpower. We need to truly understand that willpower can be developed, like a skill, through relentless practice. Which is why I believe there’s no such thing as a morning person. The more you fight the urge to stay in bed, and get up at 5, the more you stretch the willpower muscle. This in turn, makes it easier for you to increase your self-control, and once the habit is formed, it becomes second nature. (Remember how I keep talking about cold showers? This is another reason why.)

“Consistency is the DNA of all mastery.”

General theory of self-discipline: To regularly do what is hard but important, when it feels most uncomfortable, is how warriors are born.

These are just some of the reasons why I think it’s absolutely critical to wake up at 5 am, let’s dive into how we can actually structure the morning to make the most of those early hours.

The 20/20/20 formula

• Move (Intense exercise)
• Reflect (Pray/journal/meditate)
• Grow (Read/listen to audio-books)

This technique is essentially the way to kick-start your day, by structuring the glory hour (first hour of your day) into 3 x 20 minute slots. For the first 20 minute slot, build up a sweat. Exercising releases brain-derived neurotrophic factors (BDNF), which is a protein responsible for growing neural connections. It essentially helps build the brain circuits, which allow hormones such as dopamine and serotonin to travel. Basically, the more BDNF in the brain, the better.

The hormone cortisol (which is responsible for stress), is also highest after you wake up. Therefore, starting your day off with exercise not only helps strengthen your neural connections, but also aids in releasing endorphins and other feel-good chemicals which help reduce cortisol.

The second slot should be used to reflect. Reflection in the sense of identifying your values, your core characteristics & your WHY. It’s also a great time to be thankful and to pray, as this develops contentment and happiness throughout the day. Meditating can also be done, focusing on the present moment and clearing your thoughts out early off in the morning.

Another thing to do would be to plan the day and visualize how you’d like the day to go. Journalling as I love to recommend, is perfect for this slot too, and you can check out the post I’ve already written on how to journal.

There a lot of things we can do during this period of reflection and I often spend more than 20 minutes on it. The point is to take this formula and maneuver around it, however you seem fit. It also doesn’t have to specifically start at 5 am, start slow at the hour you usually wake up and then work your way down.

Slow consistent steps, yield staggering results.

The final slot of the glory hour should be used to grow. The point here is to learn and gain knowledge. This time can be spent reading a book, listening to podcasts / motivational audios, or even reviewing your goals. This adds another aspect to the GCA, considering you’ll be progressing in some form each and everyday.

It’s also imperative to stay away from your phone during the first hour of your day, to avoid unnecessary distraction and stress. The next point will be discussing how to actually implement this habit.

The benefits of the glory hour are as follows can be seen the info-graphic below.

The habit installation protocol

The diagram below illustrates how the automaticity point of habits are formed. The first 22 days is called the destruction phase. This is essentially the phase in which an old habit must be destroyed to allow space for the new habit.

Remember: habits can’t be erased they can only be replaced.

The second 22 days is called the installation (or confusion) stage, this is where the habit is starting to settle in. This phase is also quite confusing because it’s still difficult to keep up with the habit and the urge to quite becomes stronger than ever. It’s critical to push past the mental challenge and keep going forward, as this builds on grit.

The final stage is called the integration phase. This is when things slowly start to make sense and the routine approaches automaticity. After 66 days (of continuous discomfort and resilience), the habit would’ve become second nature and comfortable.

It’s highly recommended, to keep at any habit you truly wish to incorporate into your life, for at least 66 days before calling it quits. This at least gives you the opportunity to truly see whether you’re capable of the change or not.

“All change is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.”

“First you create your habits, then your habits create you.”

Once a habit is established, what next? Start with the next habit and keep growing! I’ll move onto the Islamic perspective for this habit.

Islamic Perspective

Once again, there’s always an Islamic benefit to the habits I try to install. Waking up at predawn to pray Tahajjud before Fajr (the compulsory morning prayer), is an absolute game changer. Starting your day off with remembering God and being thankful, allows for you to experience a fulfilling and gratifying day.

It has been stated in many aHadith, that the rewards of praying at the earliest hours of the morning (or final third of the night) is especially significant. Specifically because you need to be in a state of Wudhoo (ablution), therefore it requires you to cleanse yourself. You would also need to pick yourself out of bed at a very difficult time, which is very rewarding. This results in piety and God-consciousness (Taqwa), which also leads to more discipline.

“Be vigilant in standing up [in prayer] at night, for it was the practice of the pious before you. It is a means of gaining proximity to Allah Ta’ala, expiation for transgressions and a barrier from sins.” (Tirmidhi)

I’ve hopefully managed to convince you after this lengthy discussion & the previous post, to take your sleeping and waking patterns more seriously. Some of the key takings from this post are: To give more and take less. Remember that joining the 5AC gives you a GCA, allows you to enter the state of flow more readily and teaches you grit.

The four interior empires need to be worked on each and everyday; your mindset, heartset, healthset & soulset. The 20/20/20 formula includes moving, reflecting and growing. That the habit installation protocol requires at least 66 days before automaticity. And finally, to understand that there’s an islamic benefit for waking up early to pray and remembering God, which has incredible rewards.

I’ll leave you with my favourite quote from the book:

Own your morning, Elevate your life!