Mindful Monday #4

Do you want to find peace of mind and learn how to deal with disappointments?

I hope by now the practice of mindfulness is becoming an ingrained aspect of your life. I’ll keep talking about the different ways in which I calibrate my mind to stay present and the thought processes that help me get going.

In today’s post, I’ll run you through certain aspects of our thinking that we should try and take control of. This includes dealing with expectations, disappointment, hope and forgiveness.

Make sure your life vest is strapped on, it’s about to get deep.

Expectations

It’s almost impossible not to have expectations. It’s an evolutionary advantage to some extent. The key then, is to be conscious of those expectations and understand when they might be flawed.

Whether you agree with me or not, you’re constantly expecting certain things to happen. When you’re hungry, you expect yourself to get food. When you’re tired, you expect yourself to get some rest. When you’re out with your friends, you expect yourself to have a great time.

Issues arise when our expectations don’t coincide with reality.

More often than not, that’s exactly what happens. The food we ordered didn’t taste as lekker as we thought it would. We couldn’t fall asleep because our minds were restless. We didn’t enjoy our outing with friends because of complicated dynamics.

Our projection of reality is a direct reflection of what’s going on inside of us. The more we’re able to accept the fact that life is unpredictable, the better we’re able to expect more realistically.

Why then, do we get disappointed so often?

Disappointments

When our minds aren’t calibrated to the way reality functions, we constantly expect outcomes that aren’t feasible. I’m not saying don’t be a dreamer or don’t have ambitions beyond your current limitations. All I’m saying is that you shouldn’t allow yourself to fall prey to the mind’s illusion.

Disappointments are essentially a result of our expectations not being met. That is completely in your control. Who else made you expect that?

It’s infuriating yet absolutely liberating. We have control over our thoughts (to a certain degree). We therefore have control over our expectations. Which ultimately means, we are in control over our disappointments.

The more we expect, the more false hope we have, the more we’re disappointed. We need to constantly bring ourselves back to the present.

Hope

What is life without hope? Despair and despondency are satan’s allies.

When life gives you lemons, you squeeze the hell out of them and make something delicious. Then, you take the seeds and plant more lemon trees, giving you more lemons to squeeze. Thanks life.

Our minds are like gardens. Every thought is a seed that will eventually bloom. When we plant seeds of hope and positivity, it results in a plethora of beautiful flowers. Hope gives us something to look forward to.

As always, we need to acknowledge the fact that now is all we have. The way to utilize hope is to take action now. Be conscious of the seeds that are being planted in your garden and put in the effort to remove thoughts which aren’t serving you.

Hope is just another form of expectation. It must therefore be realistic for it to serve you.

Do you want to know how to remove weeds from infecting your mind’s garden? Through forgiveness.

Forgiveness

Possibly one of the best things you can do for yourself. It’s a concept that absolutely develops your characters and allows you to become a beacon of mercy. When we’re able to forgive others, regardless of all the wrong they’ve done to us, our gardens start to flourish.

This is not to say that we should ignore those faults and allow people to step over us. But let go of the mental baggage. Let go of resentment. Let go of the hate, envy, grudges and toxicity.

The mental clarity and relief you obtain from forgiving others is like no other. 

Keep in mind that forgiving yourself is just as crucial. You need to accept the mistakes you make – you’re only human after all. Love yourself by being kind enough to forgive yourself. Make a definitive plan to move forward and learn from where you’ve messed up.

By now, you should see the point I’m trying to make. Most us don’t take time out to mow the lawn or get rid of alien plants. It’s up to us to take charge of our mental garden and look after it. The thoughts we have directly influence our behaviour. Our behaviour ultimately influences our mood and emotional state. This cycles back to our thoughts.

By being realistic in your expectations and understanding that life is full of disappointments, you should find solace in maneuvering through your thoughts. Hope and forgiveness are key aspects of acceptance, don’t let go of them.

Is there any Hope?

In an era where we seem to be the most advanced and prosperous humans, everything seems to be going to sh*t. So what keeps us going?

I’ll discuss the different aspects required for hope, the 2 different ‘brains’ that we have, and a whole bunch of values! I’ll speak into certain parts of our life that seem daunting or hopeless and how to turn that around. A little bit of an Islamic perspective will also be discussed.

Through evaluating our perceptions and pain, I aim to make you feel more hopeful (or not) & better equipped to deal with life’s constant curve balls.

Inspired by: Everything Is F*cked by Mark Manson.

Let’s breakdown what hope actually is, in order to build and maintain it. There are 3 critical components:

• Control
• Values
• Community

We should have a sense of control over our life, to determine our own fate. We need to understand our core values, considering it’s our driving force & what we strive for. These enable us to build a sense of community with other individuals, which is ultimately feeling like we’re part of something greater than ourselves.

If we lose any of those 3 components, we lose hope.

Having control over our own life is a critical aspect of hope. How do we gain a sense of control? We first need to acknowledge and accept that there are parts of our life that we cannot control, and that’s okay. Speaking into the parts that we can control, my idea would be to form structure and discipline. Setting out specific tasks and goals, are the easiest way to feel like we’re accomplishing something and moving forward.

Start small, stay consistent, work smart.

Build on and repeat.

Values, values, values. I can’t emphasize how essential it is, to have a solid understanding of our values. We need to know what we stand for, what we believe in, and more importantly: why. When we have a clearer idea of what our values are, we can effectively live them out. Actions speak louder than words, so we need to hold ourselves accountable to ensure we’re truly carrying out our values.

A tip for this: read the different type of values shown in the pic below, choose 2 or 3 that you truly believe in. Write them down and keep them clearly in front of your desk or wall.

Serve a cause greater than yourself. This is where community plays the biggest role in my opinion. I mention over and over again, how important it is to contribute to those around you. When things seem hopeless, what can we do? Strive to make a difference within your community. Understand that community can mean anyone you see on a regular basis. The people in your work / school environment, your neighbours and especially those who are less fortunate than you.

We're all made of the same soil, from the same planet. We're all leaders, first to ourselves then to those around us. 

Another really cool concept discussed in the book, were the 2 different types of brains that we have; Thinking & Feeling brains. These are vital to understand, because of how relevant they are in dealing with our decision making and motivation.

Why do we do things we know are bad for us?

That’s where understanding the 2 different brains come into play. The Thinking brain is what represents rational, logical & conscious thoughts. The Feeling brain represents emotions, impulses and intuition.

We do things that are bad for us because they feel good.

The Thinking brain is objective and factual. It requires a lot of energy and effort to make rational decisions. The Feeling brain however, is more subjective, highly sensitive and unreasonable. For us to be able to develop self-acceptance and a healthy mindset, we need to unify both brains. An integrated, unified and coordinated whole; where both brains interact in balance with each other.

Ultimately, we all succumb to feelings. We do things that feel good (pleasure). We avoid things that feel bad (pain). As I mentioned in Thinking Out Loud 3, our own classification of what is good or bad, is what controls our feelings. It’s empirical then, to dissociate from and accept those feelings, rather than act on them.

Here’s an incredible question that I found really difficult to answer:

When do we know whether to consciously think things through vs trusting our gut decisions?

I don’t actually have an answer for that, but it’s just something to ponder over. Think of the events that have led you to making certain decisions, and how you went about it. How does our idea of pain play a role here?

When we avoid pain, we induce stress and tragedy; which makes us fragile. Something important to realize, is that you can’t get rid of pain. It’s the universal constant of the human condition. It’s always there, the only thing that changes is our perception of it.

So how can we develop a better relationship with pain? By becoming anti-fragile. To develop a system which gains from stressors and external pressures. Not to numb the pain and constantly avoid it. But to become self-limiting and choosing what we are willing to give up. The question to then ask is:

What pain we are willing to endure?

Here’s a little Islamic perspective on hope. As Muslims, we believe that everything happens for a reason; that we’re ultimately here on a temporary journey. The hopeful aspect regarding this, is that no matter what happens to us, we believe it’s destined. That this world is a trial to the Hereafter.

“Islam encourages a person to be optimistic and plant a seed even in the last minute of his or her life, irrespective of the fact that the person who planted the seed, may not yield its fruit.”

So if we’re trying to stay hopeful amidst all this chaos, what can we do?

Ensure that we have a foundation in the 3 components discussed earlier; Control, Values & Community. We can develop a sense of control by forming structure. Live through our values by first understanding them. Become part of the community by serving those around us.

Understand that we have two different “brains” and the importance of integrating them both. To be accepting of our pain and learn to become anti-fragile.

So the point of all this is essentially not to have hope. To be hopeful, you need to believe that things are going to sh*t. Instead, just Be. Don’t hope to become better, BE BETTER. Live for now, and give each moment your best shot. Your perception of the world is evolving each and every day, nothing is meant to be static.

“The only thing that is constant, is change.”

Heraclitus