You vs You

Welcome back to another episode of Memento Mori. Today we’re going to be talking about You vs You. What I want to focus on specifically, is how you can stop holding yourself back from moving forward in life.

I’ve been doing something interesting recently with one of my best friends, where I ask them to give me feedback on what I’m like as an individual. They were obviously quite hesitant and friendly at first, but once the ice was broken, I was surprised by what they had to say.

They identified common behaviours that I did quite often which I thought were okay, but actually made me come across as having a superiority complex. I dived deeper into it and found out that it had to do with how I always mansplain things, talk in a dominant tone, and act like a ‘know-it-all’.

Despite how difficult it was to digest initially, it made me a lot more aware of certain intellectual blindspots and helped me grow considerably. That being said, in today’s post, I’d like to talk about why we should constantly seek feedback from our friends/family members, how to digest their comments, and how to strive to continuously improve.

Constantly seek out feedback

The most obvious solution yet one of the most difficult things to do. In fact, it may even come across as being annoying sometimes. Once you get into the habit of asking for feedback, it becomes addictive. You constantly want to know where you’re falling short and how to improve. You also want to be told what you’re doing well, as the ego also needs a little petting.

The point here is that you should strive to ask people to point out areas of improvement. We’re all biased towards ourselves. We think we’re smarter, more competent, kinder, more caring, and more empathetic than we actually are. It’s easy to be blinded to our own fallibility.

Asking close friends or family members for constructive feedback can help you become a better person and also a better friend/family member. It’s a double win. Here are some probing questions that you can ask:

• In what ways am I annoying?
• How can I be of better help to you?
• What is a behaviour that you would like me to change?
• What behaviours from me do you like?
• In what ways have I been helpful?

NB: If you’re the person giving feedback, please be kind and compassionate! Don’t just point out all the other person’s flaws. Make it clear that they’re also great in certain ways as well.

Accepting your flaws

This is even harder than the previous step. It’s one thing to ask for feedback, it’s another ball game to actually accept the criticism. As I mentioned already, we don’t usually notice where we’re falling short. Once that’s pointed out, it can be quite painful to realize that we’re not as perfect as we perceive ourselves to be.

Acceptance is a humbling solution to that problem. It’s going to hurt a lot of the time, but it’s the best way to move forward. When we acknowledge and accept that we have certain limitations, we already take a step in the right direction.

Acceptance, however, doesn’t mean much if we don’t take action to improve. That being said, when we incorporate a growth mindset into the exercise, we’re able to continuously improve.

Continuously improving

After receiving feedback and accepting your shortcomings, the next step is to take action and make progress. We can do this by clearly articulating goals to strive for.

For example, if we tend to be impatient and always rush through things, an improvement goal can be to start slowing and be more present. The next time we feel like rushing someone, we should take a deep breath and acknowledge that it’s okay to sometimes wait.

That was just a high-level example. Another way of improving is to update your values according to the type of person you want to be. The same concept can apply to the previous example. We can try to incorporate ‘patience’ as one of our core values and continuously work on being calm and present when we feel the urge to rush.

https://www.principles.com/

The goal would be to identify the areas where we fall short and put a plan in action to develop. With the right mindset, we can continuously improve on all aspects of our life.

The point of this post was to show how we can move away from repeating annoying behaviours and stop holding ourselves back. We don’t often realize how our actions affect other people or even ourselves. It’s important to make a conscious effort into identifying them and move forward with those insights.

It might be tough at first and a little heartsore. But the more you do it, the more comfortable you become with yourself. Don’t be your own enemy. Keep pushing ahead. You got this.

Let’s Do It, Again

Good day beloved reader! I hope the past few days have been nothing less than extraordinary. So much has changed since my last post, especially the date on my calendar. Nonetheless, I hope you’ve taken some time out to reflect over the past year. You’ve gone through a lot. Despite not coming out unscathed, you’ve come out wiser, smarter and a lot more resilient.

In seems quite common in our day and age to attempt to make the new year ‘ours’. I’ve never really understood that concept, hence why I’m going to try argue against it. Let’s talk about making every day ours, reaching for the stars and learning from mistakes.

Strive to be your best, every day

We’ve all started a new year at some point saying: ‘This is going to be my year! I’m going to finally work out, start reading more, start eating better and get my sh*t together.’

It always lasts a few days, maybe weeks, maybe even months. But then the momentum wears out and it feels like we’re back to square one again. That’s just human nature.

Have you ever thought about how we’re the only species that makes a big deal about the new year? It’s basically celebrating when Earth orbits around the sun. What we should really take heed of, is the fact that we’re not even guaranteed another day. The goal should be striving to be better each and every day, not just at the beginning of a new year.

With that being said, there’s definitely a psychological advantage to starting on a clean slate, especially at the dawn of a new year. Make sure your intentions are aligned with your values every single day.

Reach for the stars

More often than not, we set our own limitations. When it comes to dreams and ambitions, there is no need to be overly cautious. As we set the bar high for ourselves and strive to do our best, we push past our own limits and grow more than we ever imagined possible.

The world has enough challenges and there are a significant amount of factors trying to pull us down. We shouldn’t add to that and further limit ourselves.

Learn from your experiences

I recently read that it’s clever to learn from your own mistakes, but it’s wise to learn from the mistakes of others. In order to progress rapidly and grow, you need to carefully reflect over your experiences.

We’re impeccable feedback machines. We were algorithms before they were computerized. We take in data, process them, make decisions and achieve certain outcomes. The outcomes then become data and help us make better decisions.

The point I’m trying to make is that each day is a source of data. All you need to do is consciously process them and see how your decisions influenced those outcomes. Continuously improve the quality of those outcomes by making better decisions.

Sometimes it feels like the world is burning and everything is falling apart. We’ve been experiencing pain and discomfort unparalleled to previous years. Ultimately, it’s all meant to be. We’re exactly where we’re supposed to be. It’s okay if you’re feel scared. It’s okay if you’re feeling tired. It’s okay if you just to want to give up.

Realize that you’re like a diamond. You take time and pressure to form. Every time something feels uncomfortable, every time you face a setback or a loss, ever time things don’t go according to plan, it’s a sign that we’re transforming and being re-directed. Don’t lose hope. Don’t despair. You will get through this. I believe in you.

The Essence Of Teamwork

We hear it over and over again, how important it is to work in a team. Sometimes it can be frustrating, sometimes annoying, sometimes incredibly rewarding. So what differentiates a team that produces outstanding work, compared to those who just wish it was all over?

Let’s dive a little more into effective communication, empathy, trust and feedback. I’ve touched on these topics before, but it’s important to see how they connect to each other.

Communication

Why is this so critical? Because being able to clearly articulate your thoughts, feelings and expectations is paramount to successfully working in a team. Here are a few tips to practice when working in a team:

1. Start with why – have a set intention for the project.
2. Have consistent meetings and keep each other updated.
3. Make sure the goals are clear for each responsible party.
4. Have metrics in place to ensure that people are held accountable.
5. Be honest when you’re stuck or confused.
6. Give constructive feedback regularly.

It’s always valuable to have your intentions aligned at the very beginning of a project. This ensures that all members understand the purpose of working together and have a common objective.

The second point talks about having consistent meetings. This has been tremendously beneficial for me, especially working from home. Having a set routine for meetings, where the minutes are being taken, allows people to constantly stay up to date with what’s going on. It also means you can regularly discuss any ideas or setbacks that you’re facing.

Ensure that once you’ve delegated certain roles, the goals for each member are accurate. They know exactly what to prepare before the internal deadline. This doesn’t necessarily mean they know what to do from the get-go, but they need to know what they’re working towards.

Have metrics in place to ensure that those goals are being met. Whether it’s a page of the report, a programming code, a section of the simulation, anything really. When the metrics are known, they can be held accountable.

Getting frustrated or stuck is an evitable aspect of project work. What’s important here is to make sure you’re speaking to other people about what’s going on. Perhaps they could help you or refer you to someone who could. When all group members understand where the other person is (in terms of progress), it makes it easier for them to feel comfortable and confident in the work being done (or not). This requires a great deal of trust and empathy.

I’ll discuss feedback in a little more detail further below, but it’s an important part of communication too. You need to criticize well on a regular basis, to improve the quality of the overall work.

Empathy and listening

Ahh, emotional intelligence strikes again. Being empathetic is crucial to any important relationship you have in your life. When you can make the other person feel heard and understood, it opens up the door to vulnerability and honesty.

When you see that people aren’t delivering or struggling to meet internal deadlines, try and understand things from their perspective. Are there any problems going on behind the scenes? Are they feeling unusually stressed or anxious? Maybe they’re having issues at home?

Being a good listener plays a critical role here. You need to remain mindful, curious and nonjudgmental when holding the space for other people. I think this is a great leadership quality; allowing people to ask silly questions and truly speak to you about what’s on their mind.

Trust

This essentially builds on the previous topic. Trust is formed through active listening and being reliable. You need to commit to your word and show up when you promise to. Things are never going to be perfect, but you need to show other people that you are capable of delivering up to the expected quality.

Trust also involves a certain level of integrity. When you respect the team boundaries, when you don’t unnecessarily expose other people’s flaws, when people feel comfortable being vulnerable.

I need to trust you to deliver. I need to trust you not to share everything I bring up to you. I need to trust you to be there for me when I’m struggling. I need to trust you to give this your very best.

Feedback

I’ve also spoken about this before on my post ‘The Psychology of Motivation‘. Delivering feedback and constructive criticism is an extremely important part of the development loop. You have to show people what’s working and what isn’t. You need to constantly update the expectations and ensure everyone is learning from their mistakes.

This is a really difficult process. For both, the person giving the feedback and for the person receiving it. However, if you’ve managed to successfully build trust, empathy and effective communication, it makes it a little more bearable.

Remember why feedback is important. It’s to help the other person develop and improve the quality of their work. When giving feedback, always bring up what’s working well first. Remind them of their strong points. Make the other person understand that you’re doing this to help them. Be as objective as possible. Offer support where you can to help them out too.

When you’re on the receiving end, keep an open mind. Watch out for your ego. Don’t see it as an attack or a source of demotivation. You can’t expect to be perfect every time. Absorb the wisdom given by your peers, they see things that might be in your blind spot.

Don’t take things personally.

To put it all together, you’re going to work in a team whether you like it or not. No one can do it on their own. Despite how independent or solo your work may seem, there are always people you will need help from. Integrating certain tools can help you work more effectively with people, especially if you’re striving to be a great leader.

Ensure that constant communication is in place. Hold the space for people to speak to you about what’s truly bothering them. Build the relationships on a foundation of trust and integrity. Give constant feedback so that everyone can improve.

“Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right”

Keep trying your best. If it’s challenging and difficult, it means you’re on the path to growth. You got this.

The Psychology of Motivation

How do we get people to stay on track with their goals and objectives? How do you even keep yourself motivated to keep going? What do you do when people mess? Do you also struggle with delivering feedback?

Okay, so this is going to be quite an interesting post about positive reinforcement and how you can use that to motivate yourself and other people. We’ll also dive into deadlines and the fear of failure, constructive criticism and why it’s difficult to give/receive any feedback.

Why is motivation so difficult to sustain?

Motivation can often seem like a mood. It changes all the time. One moment you have a burst of energy and after a few minutes you just feel like taking a nap.

What we don’t understand about motivation is that it’s more of a mindset. We need to constantly gear ourselves up and keep the momentum going. It requires discipline and effort, and tons of consistency. Motivation will get you started, but you’ll need to put in the hard work to keep it up.

Deadlines and fear of failure

How often have you procrastinated and left a task until the very last day? You probably had a few weeks to finish the essay but you kept telling yourself ‘later’, ‘tomorrow’, ‘I still have enough time’.

Why then, do we all of a sudden give up on that lazy mindset the day before the actual submission? It’s rooted down in fear. Fear can be an incredibly motivating force. We don’t want to feel humiliated, ashamed, or embarrassed. So we make sure we get enough done for a pass.

If you think about logically though, you’re far more likely to avoid failure and pass well if you submit well in advance. That makes sense and seems quite obvious, but goes against our instinctive ‘path of least resistance’. That’s why you need to find ways to keep yourself motivated on a regular basis. This can be done using methods like positive reinforcement.

Positive reinforcement

So how does positive reinforcement work? It is essentially rewarding and giving people positive feedback on what they’re doing right. This is obviously not applicable when they’re never doing anything the correct way, but I’m sure there are certain things that can be further encouraged.

What you’re doing here is avoiding defensiveness popping up to block the feedback. I’m sure there are several times people have approached you to help you do something in a better way, but it came in one ear and straight out the other.

The ego plays a big role here. We think we’re fine. We don’t need to hear all this garbage about how we’re not good enough. That’s why telling people that they’re doing something right and making them feel good about it, will further motivate them to keep at that behaviour.

Constructive criticism

This is one of the most important aspects of working on a team. Learning to criticize someone else’s work so that everyone can benefit. There are 3 ways that this usually turns out:

1. You don’t say anything at all and accept their imperfect work.
2. You comment too harshly on what they’ve done and make them feel inferior.
3. You approach them with just the right amount of advice and praise.

Constructive criticism is difficult because you have to surpass the defensiveness appropriately. Option 1 is ineffective. You and your team are settling for sub-standard work, in which no one benefits. Option 2 is demotivating. It makes the other person despise working with you and they’ won’t be too eager to hear what you have to say.

Option 3 is the sweet middle spot. You have to come in with the right amount of praise and advice for them to hear you out. It’s a combination of positive reinforcement and criticism. You’re able to make them feel good about what they’re doing right and encourage them to work on where they’re falling short.

https://brooksandkirk.co.uk/constructive-criticism/

Reward and punishment

The figure below shows the differences between positive and negative reinforcement, as well as punishment (this is more for the psych kids to remember). You want to stick to the top left quadrant as often as possible, as it’s the most effective method of encouraging positive behaviours. The other methods are definitely also valuable, so try and understand them well.

Reward yourself for achieving your targets. Celebrate milestones. Take the weekend off after an intense submission.

Don’t allow yourself to become complacent when you’re not getting things done. Figure out why motivation is low and what you can do about it. Keep a system in check to make sure you don’t constantly fall off track without any consequences. Use reinforcement and punishment appropriately.

https://medium.com/@SquarePegMind/lessons-from-dog-training-and-parenting-for-pandemic-behaviour-change-fafc89a056db

Support system

This is often one of the best ways to stay on track of things, by having friends or family members who are there to support you. When you feel overwhelmed and just want to give up, having someone there to encourage can really help with the final push.

It also helps to have someone on a similar path or trying to achieve the same goal. This way when they’re able to move forward and make progress, it could help you stay motivated and keep going.

There’s obviously a lot more to the psychology of motivation. This is just a few thoughts that I had in mind, especially given how critical teamwork is and how we always need to stay on top of things.

You can use these concepts on yourself too. Remember, you don’t know yourself as well as you think. Take the time to actually get to know what works for you and what doesn’t.

As always, stay present. You will get through this. You are capable. If something is difficult, it means you’re going to grow and learn. Don’t stick to your comfort zone, it’s boring there.

“What’s meant for you will never miss you, what misses you was never meant for you.”