Why Do We Complain So Much?

I’m so tired. I’m so busy. This is so unfair. I hate it here. It’s so hard. Why do I have to work so much? Why can’t I just sleep all day? It’s not as nice as I expected. This sucks.

We seem to be surrounded by people who flourish on complaining. It’s almost romanticized in a way, given how common it is on social media. In today’s post, I’d like to emphasize the difference between letting out things that are bothering you (venting) and focusing on the negative aspects of your life (complaining).

There’s a very interesting thing that happens to our mindset when we stop focusing on what’s going well in our lives. We become complacent and accustomed to a certain level on ingratitude. Let’s unpack how to properly vent, what to do when you feel like complaining, the power of gratitude and how to help other people.

How to properly vent

It’s often incredibly helpful for us to let out our thoughts and troubles. When we engage in dialogue, it allows us to make sense of the chaos in our minds, in order for us to structure it for other people to understand.

Venting is a common way for us to do just that. To comprehend our own problems and articulate it well enough for others to give valuable input. It does however, require a few criteria to be in place. This includes trust, psychological safety and a willingness for us to be vulnerable.

When we start talking to other people about our issues, we need to make sure we’re not just playing victim and complaining about everything. This might make us feel better temporarily, but it can also burden the other party by making them deal with the consequence of our negative energy.

What we should do instead is clearly express how the situation made us feel, instead of bashing the situation itself. Being objective here can be quite useful, to specify the aspects that are actually bothering us. When we’re with people we trust and have a sense of psychological safety around, it typically induces us to be vulnerable.

That’s the main difference between venting and complaining; our willingness to be vulnerable and express our emotions, compared to just focusing on the negative aspects of the situation.

What to do when you feel like complaining

For many of us, it becomes a habit to just start complaining. It’s the first thing we do when things don’t go according to plan (which happens more often than we’d like). So what can we do when we have the urge to start complaining?

The answer lies in a bit of self-awareness. We need to first start understanding the underlying emotions that we’re feeling. This could be feeling frustrated, upset, annoyed, angry, fed up, lonely or just stressed. Once you’re able to identify the feeling itself, learn to accept it.

Acceptance is a key ingredient here yet again. Understand that first and foremost, the feeling is temporary. It will pass. You will get through it. Maybe not immediately, but eventually. We tend to overlook that fact when we’re in the crux of things.

Just try and take a step back and look at things from the bigger picture. You’re learning. You’re growing. The experience will help you evolve. What you should do instead, is find actionable steps to overcome the issue.

Complaining doesn’t bring you any closer to the solution. Focus on finding ways to deal with the problem or to even just understanding it better, you’ll be amazed by how much easier life can be.

The power of gratitude

Remember, energy follows focus. Which means that our power lies in our ability to focus. When we’re able to channel our focus onto our blessings and what’s working well in our lives, we start directing energy into our potential and abundance.

Instead of complaining (or focusing on what isn’t going well), try and re-direct your thoughts into what is going well. This will have a profound impact on your mood, energy levels, motivation and ability to get things done.

Gratitude is the appreciation we experience in the present moment for something we’re blessed with. We’re all blessed immeasurably. You can never count all your blessings, but I suggest you try it out and write down a few things. Do this every morning before you start your day and you’ll immediately start experiencing life a little differently.

After a while, you’ll start appreciating the struggle. You’ll be able to handle the challenges life throws out you more readily. More than just that, you’ll be a lot more joyful and full of energy.

Helping other people

If all else fails when you’re trying to resist complaining, try helping out other people instead. More often than not, this will give you perspective into the problems other people are dealing with, which could help you empathise with them and see your own issues in a new light.

I don’t like to say ‘look at how much better off you are than other people’, because the point isn’t to undermine your own issues. The point is to understand that everyone has issues. Everyone is dealing with certain struggles.

If you can make life easier for just 1 other person, you’ve contributed significantly. This will build momentum and you might even try and make your own life easier (we tend to complicate things for ourselves a lot more than we need to).

What I want to leave you with is this: Focus more on solutions, what you can control, understanding the problem itself, being grateful for what you have and helping out other people as often as possible. Complaining is not the same thing as venting. Be very cautious of that. You don’t want to unnecessarily burden other people, and you don’t want to waste your own energy either. We need all the energy that we can get.

Stop complaining and start focusing on what truly matters.

Who Moved My Cheese?

Why is it so difficult to deal with change and uncertainty? What’s up with the world and wanting to move our cheese? Wait, why is there an emphasis on cheese here?

Today’s post is another book summary! A lot of you may already be familiar with it: ‘Who Moved My Cheese?’ by Dr. Spencer Johnson. It’s a tale about 4 mice in a maze who have different approaches to the inevitable changes that they experience. I won’t dive too much into the story itself, but rather the nuggets of wisdom that I gained from it.

We experience change on a continuous basis. Most recently, the era of Covid-19 has disrupted the way we do everything. From social distancing, to wearing masks, constantly spraying our hands with vinegar smelling sanitizers, having curfews and working from home.

It certainly has been a struggle for almost everyone. But it is less of a struggle for people who manage to adapt rapidly and expect change. Let’s talk about the nature of change, its consistency in life, how we can learn to expect change and embracing a growth mindset (yet again).

The nature of change

What exactly is the nature of change? This is such an interesting way of thinking about things. It’s essentially what evolution is all about; the ability to adapt to unexpected circumstances. As human beings, we love predictability (I suppose all living things do). When we experience situations that disrupt those predictions, we feel uneasy. Yet the essence of life is continuous change.

In the story, the 4 mice experience a radical shift in their living situation. They no longer find cheese in the same little station within the maze. Two of the mice decide to move on and search in new places to potentially find cheese. The other two get stuck in their old ways and start complaining. They become furious and agitated because their cheese is no longer there. They feel like they deserved and earned it. It’s unfair that this is happening to them.

The cheese can mean different things to each of us, but it essentially represents something in our lives that we hold onto. Something that we deserve. Something that we’ve earned. Something that should permanently stay ours. Something that makes us happy. This could be a job, a relationship, freedom, recognition or even an activity.

The problem with that mindset is that it makes us clingy. We stop seeing the world for what it truly is. We become egotistical in a sense. It causes us stress, it drains our energy, and it makes us unpleasant to be around. So what can we do instead?

Expecting change

We should be more like the mice who decided to move on and look for new cheese, immediately after the calamity struck. What’s interesting thing about expecting change is that we basically have to ‘expect the unexpected’. You never know when something could show up and re-direct the course of our life. It just happens. We don’t necessarily get a choice in that specific event, but we always get to choose how we respond to it.

When it comes to anticipating change, the key is to stop holding onto things. We need to learn acceptance. I’ve spoken about that several times before, but it’s always so relevant. Acceptance is what enables us to become more adaptive.

Another way to expect change is by actually imagining the worst-case scenario. This kind of exercise isn’t always easy, but it allows to consciously think of how we would overcome terrible scenarios. It’s actually quite a common practice in stoicism. Again, the point here is to embrace the unknown. Start leaving your comfort zone more often. You’ll be surprised at how resilient you are.

https://nerdybookgirl.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/01/thrive-on-change.jpg

Growth mindset

The last point I want to make about change is that being adaptive is fueled by having a growth mindset. Everything that I mentioned before is primarily driven by our mindset and approach towards things. If we believe that our experiences will help us develop new skills, make us stronger and allow us to grow, change becomes a necessity.

Constantly think of the impact your struggles have on the neural connections in your mind. Being adaptive can actually become physically ingrained into who you are. The next time you face an unexpected change, embrace it. Accept it. Think about it this way:

“What have you come to teach me?”

You’ll realize soon enough that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be, to become who you’re destined to be. It’s okay that you find it tough. It’s okay that you enjoy planning for things. It’s okay if you’re comfortable in your routines. Just anticipate that it won’t always be that way. You’re better off when you stretch yourself past the discomfort. You got this.

“Be like water, my friend”

A Pandemic of Loneliness

How do you deal with being lonely? Perhaps you’re addicted to something, like I discussed a couple of weeks ago. It’s definitely easier to find distractions than it is to sit with our thoughts. The social distancing certainly seems to be causing emotional distancing.

I recently read a headline that said we’re experiencing an epidemic of loneliness. I figured it would be quite important to bring the topic up, considering how difficult this can often be to navigate. Why is human connection so important and why are we struggling with it?

We have more people on the planet than ever before, yet we feel more disconnected (despite how virtually connected we are) than ever as well. Let’s unwrap what causes us to feel lonely, how social media affects our ability to connect, the power of vulnerability and ways to move forward.

PS: Being comfortable alone and feeling lonely are completely different things.

What causes loneliness?

The definition of loneliness is essentially the emotional state when we feel or perceive ourselves to be isolated from other people. It can be painful, stressful and induce symptoms of depression.

Here are some possible causes of loneliness that I found incredibly insightful:

• Emotional isolation (EQ)
• Intellectual isolation (IQ)
• Affluence (how wealthy you are)
• Living situation
• Social anxiety

I’ve obtained the list above from the link below. Feel free to refer to it for more information.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25481/unexpected-causes-of-loneliness-what-to-do-about-them.html

So the interesting thing that I’ve gathered is that there are certain aspects of our nature that incline us towards being on our own. Our emotional intelligence enables us to gain awareness, but it also means we are likely to stop surrounding ourselves with people who we’ve connected to through a common brokenness. The quote below describes it incredibly well.

“The more you heal, the less you’ll connect with people with whom you once shared a common level of woundedness.”

People who are incredibly intelligent in a specific way (a high IQ for example), may find it difficult to spend time with less intelligent people. There is often a demand for stimulating conversations and that may not be everyone’s cup of tea.

Another interesting factor is your affluence / how much wealth you have. It can be intimidating and there can be misconceptions that people think you’re arrogant or better than them. This is also an isolating factor. Your living situation and neighbourhood can also play a role in your inability to connect with people and socialize. Lastly, a prominent factor can be social anxiety or fearing rejection. These cause us to overthink and can discourage us from seeking genuine human connection. Let’s see how social media plays a role in all this.

The impact of social media

I’ve already debated how social media affects our daily lives; both from a positive and negative lens. This time, I’d like to relate it back to how it impacts our loneliness. The problem with being able to zoom into people’s lives so regularly, is that it creates a sense of FOMO.

The feeling occurs subconsciously. You see other people enjoying themselves, going out, seemingly having the time of their life; while you’re at home, alone, bored, staring at your phone in your underwear. This obviously creates a certain yearning. We also crave to be out and about, having coffee with mates or going on adventures.

When we’re alone with our thoughts and don’t have specific Friday night plans, we often distract ourselves on social media. We just need to be aware of the impact that has on our psyche and the way it may negatively affect us; inducing a certain sense of loneliness.

https://justimagine.azureedge.net/wp-media/2018/12/Unengineering-loneliness-JI.jpg

The solution (in my opinion) is to reach out to people instead of watching what they’re doing. Send messages to those you haven’t spoken to in a while. Start conversations with people you find interesting. Make a plan to group video call your friends.

It’s okay to feel a little needy sometimes. It’s okay to want to connect. It’s okay to reach out. It’s okay to be vulnerable.

The power of vulnerability

The concept of vulnerability ties into our inherent fear of rejection. We often think that showing our true colours to people will result in them rejecting us for who we really are. This may in fact have been proved to us when we were younger.

The truth of the matter is, when we’re willing to share our feelings, emotions and thoughts with people, despite how outrageous they may seem, it can result in a more genuine form of connection.

We tend to think that we’re all extremely different. However, we ultimately share a similar array of emotions. We’ve all been hurt, lonely, excited, nervous, stressed, shy, scared and joyful. If we focus more on how similar we truly are, it allows us to share those experiences with others.

Do you want to know why vulnerability is effective? Because it allows us to establish trust. The expectation is that you’ll be speaking to me about aspects of your life that you wouldn’t want me to take advantage of, mock, share with others, or disregard. Once I see how much you can trust me with your thoughts, it allows me to feel comfortable enough to share my experiences with you. This enhances empathy, genuine human connection and makes us feel less isolated. The more we can relate to others and be vulnerable, the less likely we are to feel lonely.

How to deal with the feeling of loneliness

What should we do about feelings lonely then? It’s easy to start watching TV, scroll social media or just read something to keep our minds occupied. But that’s not dealing with the actual feeling, it’s just pushing it further back in the closet. What we need is acceptance.

Arguably the most difficult aspect of all; learning how to accept our feelings for what they truly are. When we accept how we feel, it’s a way of making peace with our mind and the world around us. Acceptance means that we don’t resist what comes up. We don’t force away what’s yearning to be heard. We don’t distract ourselves from the truth. Only once we accept, can we then take action and move forward. It also means that we don’t judge ourselves. We are only short-lived human beings after all.

After acceptance, we can start to work on improving that internal condition. We can write about it, reach out to people, speak our minds, lean into our hearts and share vulnerabilities. We can find activities that fulfil us. Serve others more. Be kinder. Be more caring, patient and loving to the world.

The more you give, the more you get. Start demanding less, and start giving more. And when it comes to receiving, don’t deny yourself that either.

Don’t allow social distancing to create emotional distancing. If you’re reading this rn, please know that you’re not alone. You are loved. You are cared for. You are worth it. Reach out to me if you need to. Reach out to other people you haven’t to in a while. It’s going to be okay. You got this.

Why Do I Read So Much?

My objective for this year is to read 52 books. The reason I’m saying this is to keep myself accountable, and to also try and inspire you to read a little more. I’ll post a list of all the books I’ve read at the end of the year with some insightful recommendations.

But why do I seem to want to read so much in the first place? Is there more to it than just expanding my English vocabulary and comprehension? Perhaps. In fact, I think I may be addicted to learning. I’ve spoken before about how to read more, but let’s unwrap why I read in the first place.

I’ll talk about how reading is similar to going to the gym, utilizing a growth mindset, how reading enables leaders, turning knowledge into power and using it to get better at academics.

Going to the gym for your brain

I love exercising. It’s a way for me to keep my physical health in check. I also get invigorated when I start pushing past my previous limits. There’s a similar feeling that I get when I read books. I like to think of reading as exercise for the brain. You have to constantly push past certain limits and absorb information rapidly.

You should also approach it in a similar way to physical exercise. Start small, get used to it, stay consistent and then slowly push yourself. The last thing you want to do is get overwhelmed because you decided to read a full book in 2 days, and then give up after 3 pages.

I like to think of myself getting smarter after every page that I read – to try and embrace a growth mindset.

Growth mindset

Let’s talk about neuroplasticity again! I read so much because I understand the effect it has on my brain. It’s a way for me to strengthen certain neural pathways and make the process of comprehending, digesting and analysing information a lot more efficient.

When you believe that something is truly useful to you (and you’ve experienced it first hand), it gets hard to stop. It almost doesn’t make sense to. The same applies when you believe that you can get better at something through putting in practice. All you have to do is keep trying, in order to grow.

Understand that where you are now is just part of the journey. You can get better. You can get smarter. You can get stronger. Just keep on learning.

Leaders are readers

Another reason why I read so much is because I know that it helps me understand the world better. Fiction allows me to become more creative, empathetic and understanding, as it forces me to think from different people’s point of view. Non-fiction allows me to grow, make sense of myself and to learn about how things work.

That being said, the quote ‘leaders are readers’ comes to mind. To try and understand the reason behind this, I thought about how effective leaders need to have a vast array of knowledge. This would be vital to taking charge and moving teams towards a common objective.

Reading (from a diversified set of genres) equips you with the skills and knowledge that is required to positively impact the world and bring about change. You gain confidence, depth and understanding, which catalyzes your ability to solve problems.

Knowledge is power (when you put it to action)

There’s a misconception when it comes to the phrase ‘Knowledge is power’. That is because it’s relatively easy to acquire knowledge, we do it all the time. What’s difficult is actually applying that knowledge and taking action based on it. That is where true power lies.

To try and actually gain some power out of my readings, I firstly engage actively with the content. This comes in the form of highlighting, taking notes or writing book summaries. Once I’ve extracted the key pieces of information, I try to reflect on it and see how I can apply it into my life. Another really useful technique is to try and explain the concept that I’ve learned to other people. This allows me to spread beneficial knowledge and solidify the information in my mind.

Helps with academics

Something that has been incredibly beneficial to me from a reading stand point is the ability to perform well in my academics. Like I’ve already mentioned, reading enables you to browse through large pieces of information and pin-point the most relevant and important aspects.

When it comes to reading academic literature, this skillset is incredibly valuable. Not only to get through the documents more efficiently, but also to extract what’s valuable for the reports and assignments in a short period of time.

It’s a skill that can be developed. It wasn’t something that I was always good at, but it’s something I continuously worked on, bit by bit, until I got better at it. It’s the result of incorporating a growth mindset.

A snippet of some books that I’ve read last year

So I hope I managed to answer the question ‘Why do I read so much?’. It’s truly liberating and can be used as an incredibly productive form of distraction. Remember that everything needs to be done in moderation.

Think of reading like going to the gym for your brain, incorporate a growth mindset to learn as much as you can, remember that leaders are readers, that knowledge put to action is power and that it can also help you academically.

Please share some of your favourite books in the comments and feel free to reach out to me should you want any recommendations. Happy reading!

Why Are We Addicted?

What’s the first thing that came to your mind when you read out the title? Do you feel like there are certain behaviours that you just can’t do without?

I was thinking about how the human experience is essentially about continuously overcoming different forms of addiction. We tend to find something that stimulates us enough and hold onto it.

Whether it’s food, social media, attention, video games, watching series, smoking, coffee or even exercise. There seems to be an underlying psychological aspect to that distraction, despite the harm it has on us or those around us. I thought it would be interesting to have a Thinking Out Loud post to share my thoughts on this.

Distractions

If there’s anything we’re undoubtedly addicted to, it’s being distracted. Our attention is data, which is essentially a modern day currency. This doesn’t just speak to ads and social media, but every aspect of our life. The more we let our attention loose, the more likely we are to get distracted.

Here’s the interesting thing though, distraction is addictive because it means we don’t have to think about things that really matter. Notice the way you constantly have the urge to keep yourself busy, whenever you have a second to think for yourself. It’s during that period of stillness that we’re able to harness our full potential.

So if we’re addicted to being distracted, then how exactly do we deal with those obtrusive thoughts? The answer is to simply give our minds a safe space to let those thoughts out. The next time you notice that you’re trying to keep unnecessarily busy, ask yourself how you’re feeling at that given point.

Journalling tends to work wonders here. You essentially have to find a way to structure the chaos that’s going on in your mind. The more clearly you’re able to articulate your thoughts to yourself, the better you’ll be able to do the same thing with other people. Additionally, you would also free up bandwidth, which may help you focus on your specific tasks.

“You can’t remove habits, you can only replace them.”

I think that quote speaks incredibly well to the point I’m trying to make, especially in relation to the habits you’ve formed around being distracted.

Replace the numbing with vulnerability and allow yourself to feel. This will not only benefit you, but everyone around you too.

Short-term vs long-term

If you think about any addiction, there are typically consequences in the short-run and the long-run. The difficult thing is that it’s both pleasurable and painful (no such thing as good or bad, just our perception of things).

In the short-run, our addictions seem to give us a little dopamine boost. We hyper-stimulate our senses in some way. This feels great for a specific moment in time. However, the dependency we form becomes imbedded in us. We continuously re-wire the neurons in our brain for that fix. That makes it harder for us to find alternatives, to deal with our thoughts and emotions in the long-run.

“Live for the present like you’ll die tomorrow, plan for the future like you’ll live forever.”

In the long-run, we need to think about the cumulative effect of repeatedly pursuing that addiction. It’s essentially like thinking about the results we want to achieve from being consistent – similar to the way habits work.

It’s also convenient to ignore the fact that we do end up being addicted to certain things. We tend to keep ourselves in a mode of denial.

Denial

What’s always easier than doing the hard work? Ignoring the fact that there is work to do in the first place.

https://www.whatweseee.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/wind.png

The diagram above displays the concept of The Johari Window. It speaks to the fact that there are four possible quadrants within our self-awareness. The shared self, hidden self, blind self and unknown self. We should strive towards being known to ourselves, on the left two quadrants; the shared and hidden self.

Being in denial is like forcing yourself to be in the right two quadrants; trying to make things unknown to yourself. The blind and unknown selves are where we need to put in the most work. This is because we want unveil what we’re blind to but others can see, and want to figure out as best as we can what we’re unknown to.

The points I’m trying to make here is that we’re always fending off different types of addiction. It seems an evitable aspect of life. We just need to keep our awareness up and constantly work on ourselves, to avoid falling into the unknown.

Actionable advice: Start with acceptance. Don’t deny the fact that are certain behaviours that you’d like to replace. After that, write down the reason why it’s important for you to do that and the impact it would have in the long-run. Note a plan of action and try your best to stay consistent with it.

Share your struggle with others and embrace being vulnerable. We’re all trying out best.

Eternal Youth

Do you feel like you’re getting old, like really quickly? Do you miss those carefree days, where you had a lot less to worry about? Perhaps you wish you were a few years younger, maybe a few decades younger. The saudade of childhood and adolescence.

It was my birthday last week, which is always a strange feeling. I received a number of messages from people who seemed rather envious of my youth (those who were younger than me displayed the opposite feeling, obviously). It got me wondering…

What’s up with everyone and wanting to feel young?

A reminder of what youth is all about

I don’t necessarily consider myself all that young anymore, but I suppose I’m not that far off my teenage years yet. Being a young adult is fantastic, I absolutely love it. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t have its fair share of trials.

It’s a point in your life where the learning curve is steep. You’re entering a lot of unfamiliar territory. You’re constantly exposed to new experiences and are forced to leave your comfort zone. You’ve got to figure it all out, and quickly. You make a lot of mistakes, all the time.

The advantage of this period is that you’re often only looking after yourself (not necessarily the case for everyone). You are truly responsible for just you.

What I’ve also noticed is that age is a just an arbitrary number. It’s something we latch onto in our minds and allow to drag us down. We should embrace becoming older, it’s a natural part of life. We need the elderly just as much as we need the youth. The present moment is the same for everyone.

The wisdom accompanying old age

If you really think about it, you’re getting older by the second. It doesn’t matter if you’re 20, 40 or 60. Everyone gets old at the same rate (I can’t say that I’m speaking from experience, lol).

Life experience can only be obtained through the process of living – which requires as to constantly age. Wisdom doesn’t necessarily just come from ageing. It comes from constantly reflecting on the different, difficult and novel experiences. You’ve seen the troubles that life can throw at you from a much closer perspective.

Embrace the fact that you’re experiencing nature at its very best. We are all temporary beings. We’re not meant to be here forever. Utilize the remarkable history that you’ve been through to make the most of what you have. Share the lessons that you’ve learned from the countless mistakes that you’ve made. Serve those around you while you still can. Don’t stop growing.

The present moment is all we have

We are now back to the central theme of my blogs; embracing the present moment. Life always seems to be rushing past us. We have no time for anything. We feel nostalgic over the years that have passed by. We constantly yearn to feel elsewhere. We never seem to be satisfied with where we are.

Here’s a life hack: think about how you are exactly where you’re meant to be. Indulge in the present and find serenity within acceptance.

“Live for today like you’ll die tomorrow. Plan for the future like you’ll live forever.”

I’ve met some people who radiate youthfulness, despite their old age. I’ve also met people who seemed incredibly old, despite how young they were. It got me thinking about something else.

We can all be young at heart. It’s the way we choose to fuel the fire in our bellies. The energy we bring into each and every day. The enthusiasm we sustain in all of our conversations. The risks we decide to take. The choices we don’t regret taking. The vulnerable honesty that allows us to build meaningful connections.

I want you to really embrace the fact that age is not everything. You can choose to be as young or as old as you want to be. Your actions, choices, mindset and enthusiasm speak more than anything. There are obviously some real constraints and complications associated with physically getting older, but it doesn’t have to define you.

You can strive for eternal youth by having a playful heart, despite how old you are getting. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. I’ll leave you with some brilliant advice by the Prophet Muhammad (PBUH):

Why We Sleep

A lot of you seem to dislike the concept of sleep. A lot of you absolutely indulge in it. Today’s post is going to be another book summary on ‘Why We Sleep’ by Matthew Walker. All I have to say is that we need to start taking naps more seriously.

The book is broken down into 4 main parts. I’ll briefly touch on the first 3 sections in more detail and talk about some of the ways we can improve our quality of sleep.

• This Thing Called Sleep
• Why Should You Sleep?
• How and Why We Dream
• From Sleeping Pills to Society Transformed

This Thing Called Sleep

Have you ever thought to yourself “I’m just really not a morning person”? Well, apparently that could be true. We can divide people into more or less 3 categories; ‘morning larks’, ‘night owls’ and a combination of the two. Morning larks account for 40% of the population, night owls and the combination account for 30% each. This is known as a chronotype and it’s heavily determined by genes.

From an evolutionary point of view, it kind of makes sense. We needed people to stay up late at night to defend the tribe. If everyone went to bed at the same time, it would increase the risk of being vulnerable and getting attacked. However, in this day and age, being a night owl isn’t necessarily as advantageous. The systems and work schedules we have in place are biased towards the morning larks. This needs to change to accommodate those who are naturally inclined to work better at night.

So how does your body physically know when it’s time for bed? Melatonin. This chemical is released after dusk indicating to your body that it’s time to get ready for bed. It should be noted that it has little influence on the generation of sleep. It just informs your mind that it’s night time.

What actually does influence your tiredness and ability to sleep is a different chemical called adenosine. It essentially accumulates in your body from the time you wake up and increases your desire to sleep. This is known as sleep pressure and is what makes you feel sleepy.

How have we managed to overcome this urge for slumber? A lot of you might be familiar (and perhaps addicted) to the answer, caffeine. Just so you know, caffeine is classified as a psychoactive stimulant. It works by blocking the adenosine receptors; diminishing the sleep pressure. The problem is that the amount of adenosine in your system will continue to rise. So once the caffeine wears out, you often feel even more tired. Caffeine also has a half-life of around 6 hours. This means that after 6 hours, 50% of it will still be lurking in your system.

Your sleep can be categorized into 90 minute cycles of rapid eye movement (REM) and non-rapid eye movement (NREM) which occur one after the other. This can be seen in the Figure below. REM sleep has similar brainwaves to your waking state. It’s essentially your dreaming state – where you’re temporarily paralyzed (if you ever sleepwalk, there’s essentially a disruption during your REM sleep). It’s also when you’re able to integrate your memories and solve problems. The NREM cycle is when you’re in a more logical, slow-waved and reflective state. It’s when you save memories and make sense of your experiences. Both cycles are extremely important and can only be utilized when you sleep for over 7 hours sufficiently.

https://enchiridion.red/media/images/book-synopsis-why-we-sleep-by-matthew-walker/Phases.png

Why Should You Sleep?

• To be a functional human being and contribute to society
• To remember stuff
• To help your body recovery – especially if you’re active
• To solidify your immune system
• To get smarter (problem-solving and creativity)
• To control your body weight
• To enhance your social awareness (and emotional intelligence)
• I could honestly keep going on…

I’ve gone into the previous chapter in enough detail. The abovementioned bullets provide enough evidence to support the claim of requiring at least 7 hours of sleep. Everything in moderation, obviously. Don’t go for more than 9-10 hours of sleep (if you’re a young adult).

The rate race will tempt you into sacrificing this invaluable coping mechanism. It’s not worth it. Find the right balance.

How and Why We Dream

It’s quite incredible how similar the state of psychosis is to dreaming, considering that you were:

• Hallucinating
• Delusional
• Disoriented
• Affectively labile (extreme swings in emotion)
• And suffering from amnesia

These are normal biological and psychological processes that we experience when we dream. REM sleep specifically is associated with the active, conscious experience of dreaming.

We don’t just dream about the events of our day, but rather, the emotions that we’ve experienced. This allows us to effectively keep our mental health in check, alongside many of the other benefits I mentioned previously. The problem-solving and ability to form logical connections all occur during our dreaming state.

“Dreaming takes the approach of interrogating our recent autobiographical experience and skillfully positioning it within the context of past experiences and accomplishments, building a rich tapestry of meaning.”

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Tips for getting better sleep:

• Have a consistent time to go to bed and to wake up
• Keep away from blue light at least 30 minutes before you sleep (don’t get into the habit of staring at your phone as you’re trying to sleep)
• Keep the room temperature relatively cool (around 20°C)
• Cut out your last cup of coffee more than 6 hours before you plan to sleep
• Exercise regularly (not too late in the evening)

To summarize everything I’ve learned from this book: If you don’t get enough sleep, you will literally die. I’ve barely gone into the same level of detail as the book, so I highly recommend you give it a read for yourself to truly maximize the benefit you can gain from understanding the importance of sleep.

Moving forward, we need to really start appreciating the impact a consistent amount of good quality sleep can have on our lives. If you know anyone who argues against the requirement of over 6 hours of sleep, please recommend this book to them. More often than not, they haven’t done adequate research.

Have a great night and rest well! You deserve it.

Balance

Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’ve had to really juice out the time in a single day. Always so much to do, in such little time. The key question is, how do I juggle and keep entertaining without dropping it all?

When I talk about entertainment, I just mean finding ways to keep on keeping on. Back to my question then, isn’t it about balance? Well, let’s dive into the different aspects of balance that are important for us to keep juggling.

I’ve written something similar before on mind, body and soul. I’ll use that as a reference and remind myself of why that triangle is important.

Mind

The mind is one of the most extraordinary things in existence. It’s essentially a super-computer. You can process like a million things at once. But maybe that’s where a bit of the trouble lies; when we start taking on so much stimuli that it starts to distract us.

Fun fact about the brain: It takes up around 2% of our total mass but uses approximately 20% of the energy in our system. I think that kind of speaks to the level of complexity it has compared to the rest of our body.

The mind is like a muscle, it can be trained. That also means it needs to rest. We don’t usually accommodate enough time for rest though, especially in the rat race a lot of us find ourselves in. So what can we do to balance this leg of the trio? You should be able to guess that by now…

Meditate!

Last time, I spoke about the impact meditation has on our ability to concentrate. This time, I’m speaking about how it can be used to help us find calm, clarity and balance.

The thing about being mindful is that you focus on the present moment. You’re not getting lost in thought, worrying about the future or stressing about the past. You learn to breathe, accept, and let go. There can be different ways of doing this, journalling works wonders too. Find something that works best for you to stay present and keep at it. Your brain deserves it.

Dandelion seed, shallow focus

Body

Here’s something you might not have expected me to say about taking care of your body:

Sleep!

Sure, exercise is a fundamental aspect of taking care of your body. We’ve talked about that in enough detail before and I’m certain you know it too. But sleep is something we don’t pay enough attention to. I’m currently reading a book called ‘Why We Sleep’ by Matthew Walker. It’s what inspired me to emphasize the importance of sleep.

Did you know that the process of transferring short-term memories from the hippocampus into long-term storage in the neocortex occurs during sleep? Specifically, during the deep phases of NREM sleep.

This means that sleep protects newly acquired information (a process called consolidation), enables us to remember better, enhances our ability to learn, accelerates physical recovery, stimulates muscle recovery and helps our cells restock energy.

The catch here, is that you need to sleep for at least 7 hours a night. If you’re sleeping for 6 hours or less, you’re essentially depriving your body of a vital recovery process. Have you ever heard anyone say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”?

Well, the shorter your sleep, the shorter your life span (and the quality of that life). I wouldn’t recommend pulling too many all-nighters.

I encourage you to take your sleeping routine more seriously. Pay attention not just to the quantity, but the quality too. Stick to a consistent time to go to bed and wake up every night. Take 20 minute naps during the day whenever possible. It will genuinely enhance your overall performance.

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Soul

We’ve learned a little about how to balance the mind and body, but what happens when we add another ball to juggle? Harmony I would hope. The final piece of the puzzle is to look after your soul. This is probably the hardest aspect to keep in check, because it has to do with your purpose.

In order to find acceptance in the chaos, we need to live with intention. We need to realize how temporary we truly are. We need to detach and stop clinging onto materialistic desires. For some people, religious practices are what keeps their soul balanced. This is true for me, as I am a practicing Muslim. For others, it might be something different.

The point is to find a way to serve others. To express yourself in a way that contributes to the greater good. To be disciplined and authentic to your true self. To understand that it’s no coincidence that you’re here. You’re exactly where you are meant to be and for a specific reason. Realize that you matter and that you make a difference.

We don’t have a choice as to whether or not we want to play. We do have a choice as to how we decide to play. Juggling through the game of life is not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it. As long as we remember to take out some time to relax our mind and be present, take better care of our sleep and live with the intention to serve others.

“The only guarantee for failure is to stop trying.”

The Tipping Point

A book summary, when last! I’m on my third book of the year and I thought I should write a book summary, considering how long it’s been.

The Tipping Point is a book by Malcolm Gladwell about how little things can make a big difference. It’s an idea about how certain concepts like fashion trends, messages and behaviours spread in a similar way to viruses.

The key components are:

• The three rules of epidemics
  • Contagiousness
  • Little causes can have big effects
  • How changes can happen in one dramatic moment
• The law of the few
• The stickiness factor
• The power of context

Considering we’re in an actual pandemic, let’s go through these key components and make sense of them within our own context.

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The Three Rules of Epidemics

The three rules of epidemics essentially speaks to the ingredients of how things spread. Firstly, it needs to be contagious. Whether it’s a virus or an idea, it requires an effective method to travel and spread.

Secondly, the concept of how little causes can have big effects describes how once a virus enters your system, it can completely take over. The same logic applies to fashion trends when certain influencers promote a new look. It’s a small change, but it can have a monumental impact on the industry.

The third rule speaks to how changes doesn’t necessarily have to be gradual. It can happen quite erratically. This essentially speaks to exponential growth. We’ve seen that with how the number of Covid cases started to rise.

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The Law of the Few

• Connecters – People specialists
• Mavens – Information specialists
• Salesmen – Persuasion specialists

Connecters, mavens and salesmen are critical individuals involved in allowing trends to ‘tip’ past a certain point. Connecters are people who are incredibly gifted socially. They have an enourmous network and know everyone. They’re comfortable having ‘weak ties’ with many different people and form acquaintances. These people are important because they help spread ideas through their network. They help us connect with important people

Mavens are people who typically accumulate knowledge. They also have a relatively large social network. They don’t just passively collect information, they actively try to share it. They find out about the best deals and want you to know about it too. Their motivation is to educate and help.

Salesmen are people who are effective at convincing us about things we are hesitant about. They’re extremely effective at using subtle non-verbal cues, physical harmony and motor mimicry. These are forms of body language and communication that allow us to feel comfortable, heard and understood.

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I suppose in the context of our pandemic, mavens provided the virus, connectors spread it and salesmen convinced us that we were in trouble.

The Stickiness Factor

The stickiness factor is about how messages, ideas or trends actually stick to their target audience. It’s presenting it in such a way that people can’t seem to let go – or constantly want more of it.

It’s the way TV shows get viewers hooked; presenting the show in a way that makes people crave more. It’s the anticipation of another season. The keenness to expect another plot twist. The willingness to binge.

For a virus to spread effectively, it needs to have a stickiness factor. Given their biological nature, viruses essentially evolve to ‘stick’ as efficiently as possible. They spread from host to host, with the aim of reproducing and spreading their genes as much as they can.

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The Power of Context

The last idea discussed in the book was on the power of context and how our environment impacts the way we behave. What we need to understand here is that specific and relatively minor elements in the environment play a role in the Tipping Point.

Context matters because it also helps spread (or prevent) certain ideas and behaviours. It’s also why you often hear people talking about de-cluttering your work space. Because it affects your state of mind and how you interact with the world around you. It’s why your social circle matters. Because the people you surround yourself with influence you to do (or not to do) specific behaviours.

For any kind of pandemic to spread, the context in which it can grow matters. The type of people and the way they interact with each other matters.

It should be noted that all these concepts are explained in a much more profound way in the book. Gladwell uses incredible real-life case studies to argue his point. So far, we’ve looked at the Three Rules of Epidemics, The Law of the Few, The Stickiness Factor and The Power of Context.

Each of these elements can dramatically help us spread ideas and to start trends. It also helps us understand the way in which the world functions. I hope you’ve managed to get a little bit curious about these concepts and to maybe read the book for yourself.

As for now, I hope you have an incredible week and find something interesting to learn.

Mindful Monday #6

Why is it so difficult to concentrate? Why do we sometimes struggle to remember names or places? Do you also feel like your attention span is depreciating?

Mindful Monday is back! I really enjoy this series because it’s all about living in the present, focusing on your breath, being intentional and honouring gratitude.

I thought about how I know so many people who constantly tell themselves: “I’m terrible at remembering names”, “I really struggle to focus”, “I always misplace my things”. In today’s post, I’d like to share some techniques on how to concentrate, remember names better and discuss why love is about the quality of attention.

Meditate

The solution is to isolate yourself in the Himalayas, get rid of technology and meditate for 10 hours a day. I’m kidding (although it would probably seriously help). What you want to do is train your brain to focus. I’m bringing back the concept of neuroplasticity, whereby your brain physically changes with every experiences.

If you want to focus better, learn how to focus. It’s not something you have or don’t have, it’s a skill that you can develop. Meditation is the perfect tool to help you improve on that skill. Keep in mind that it’s much more meaningful and beneficial than just helping you focus, but that’s the advantage I’d like to emphasize here.

This is not the same thing as being mindful, because mindfulness is more of a lifestyle; embracing the present moment as often as possible. Meditation allows you to become more mindful.

Mindfulness meditation utilizes the breath and other physical cues in your immediate environment to help you acknowledge the present. By forming the habit of sitting down every morning or evening, for 5-10 minutes to focus on your breath, you train your mind to sit still. To not get distracted. To engage with your thoughts more consciously. To acknowledge the external world more clearly. To even help you remember better.

Sorry, what’s your name again?

I’ve mentioned Jim Kwik a number of times in previous posts, but it’s especially relevant to the topic of memory. In order to easily remember names, remember the acronym BE SUAVE.

BE SUAVE

• Believe
• Exercise
• Say it
• Use it
• Ask
• Visualize
• End with it

Firstly, you have to actually Believe that you’re capable of this. There’s no use starting with limiting beliefs; you’re setting yourself up for defeat. No such thing as ‘I’m bad with names’, just put in effort. By Exercising, it implies repetition and continuous practice. Every skill requires practice to develop.

Saying it is about repeating the person’s name as they tell it to you, so you get to hear it twice. Using it is just regularly using their name throughout the conversation (in moderation). Asking relates to being curious about the origin of the name. Visualizing is about creatively thinking of their name in a memorable context (for example, if the person’s name is Matt, then you can imagine them on a flying mat). Ending it is just about repeating their name before you end the conversation.

It’s all about formulating a strategy. For more information, you can read the original article:

https://jimkwik.com/kwik-brain-006/

Attention!

I once read a quote that said:

“Love is the quality of attention we pay to things.”

Quite remarkable, don’t you think? I interpreted that to imply that we should starting paying a better quality of attention to our own lives. What does it really mean to love yourself?

If we have to think about the quality of our thoughts, habits and behaviours, we’d soon enough realize that there’s always work to do. But love is all about embracing the flaws, understanding that you will always have some form of imperfection, but striving for continuous improvement.

It all starts with attention. Pay better attention to life. Execute one task at a time. Remove distraction from your environment (especially digital). Find time to stare out of the window. It’s not about quantity, it’s about quality.

To recap what we’ve discussed so far:

1. Meditate to enhance your focus
2. BE SUAVE to help you remember names
3. Pay quality attention to your own life

We’ll end on another brilliant quote, one which I often repeat to myself:

“Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right.”